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I Was Sexually Assaulted


I was sexually assaulted. I wasn't raped but I did at one point think it was going to happen.
I have always had fears of being touched by anyone, including my family. I explained this to him and he seemed to genuinely understand how I felt. I was upfront with him—I wanted to take things slow.
One day, when we were in his room, he asked me to get into the bed with him. We lay there for a while and it was a pleasant experience we were chatting and having a good time just talking.
He then got on top of me and started to pull down my pants. I told him to stop and kept pushing his hands away. He grabbed my wrist and it hurt, he didn't let go of me. That's when I got scared. He was touching me all over and every time I told him to stop, that I didn't want to do this, he just told me to relax.
My body was tense and my heart was racing incredibly fast. I told him to get off me and pushed him away. It took all my strength. I got my bag, pulled my pants up and pulled my shirt down and walked out, caught a cab and went home, I was numb.
No words can describe how I felt. I wasn't sure what had just happened. My body tingled and my wrists were red. I got home and lay down on my bed. My ceiling had never looked so white.
All of that day I stared at things in my room while laying in my bed. I listened to some music. I slept and had wonderful thoughts circulating in my head. I was a really strong person for what I did and telling him to stop and leaving the situation. But I still needed to talk to someone.
But who, I didn't know, I didn't want to talk to my family about it for fear of what they would say. So I rang up my best friend. She told me so many wonderful amazing things and reassured me that it wasn't my fault. I know assault is a crime but I didn't think I could go to the police and report it, I know I should have but again fear and judgment crept in.
What really hurt the most was when I told him that I didn't want him to call me anymore and that he really truly ruined my trust and respect for him, he called me a lame ass chick. I thought about what he said for a couple of hours, was I lame for protecting myself? Was I lame for rebuilding my wall of protection? No, I wasn't. I am strong for doing those things and strong for telling him that he hurt me, and that I did not and would not see him again.
It wasn't my fault. Nor is it any other victim of sexual assault. I am lucky that I have such a wonderful person to talk to, who cares for me and doesn't judge my thoughts and actions. Having her to talk to and telling her what happened has made me even stronger.