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Forming Lasting Relationships


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Growing up, I've always been kinda solo. Just either solo or the leader of the group. Just because I'm always, when I talk to people I just sound so confident in what I say. When I'm like, "look, we need to do this." It's so compelling. So people are like, "Oh well alright, so let's do that." And I come up with quick ideas. So my friends are like, "Alright, so what's going on? What are we gonna do?" So that's one thing. But, my level of commitment as a young person it's different. Because a lot of people my age they don't really value, in my experience, they don't really value relationships, friendships, the ability, the idea of networks, the social ties. People don't really care about that. It's like well, I wanna get my stuff done. You know if you're sixteen or fifteen, oh well, my actions aren't, they don't go as far as mom and dad. If I do something bad well it's only going to come back from mom and dad.
Not for me. When I was fifteen or sixteen, it was like if I do something bad I'm gonna get shot, I'm gonna get killed, I'm gonna go to jail, or I'm not gonna go to college. Never mind graduating school, you know. So now I'm gonna be twenty and I'm trying to find friends who are gonna support me for like the rest of my life. I wanna be able to find friends that when I'm thirty I'm still cool with them.
Um, but now in college, college is just like well, you know, this is kind of like a swinging, a revolving door. I come in and I come out and most of the people I meet maybe are gonna be my friends but not really. Just a business tie that I'm gonna use one day when I get my degree. Whereas I'm trying to find people who are gonna be down with me for the rest of my life. Who are gonna help and support me because I've never really had that.
The first ten years of my life my mom, she was gone. You know, my mom, my dad was gone but my mom, she was a stay at home mother because of her back. Um, she had disability issues. You know, so I stayed home a lot. My mom was scared that I was gonna get taken away from her because she was a victim of a guy stalking her when she was a kid. So she thought that someone was gonna stalk me. First ten years of my life I stayed at home. The next five years I jumped around in shelters and moved from Connecticut to Florida. And then, you know, from fifteen to twenty I've been in foster care. I've never had the ability to have stable friends or relationships just because I'm so busy. I'm always so, I'm always moving. So it's really hard for me. And when I become friends with people, if I don't really agree with you, I mean it's one thing in a professional environment. You're not always gonna agree with people and that's ok. You can still be working friends.
Or in like intimate relationships, if I don't really agree with people it's like, "Alright that's cool but..." You know, I...I tend to kind of isolate myself because I want to find people who I agree with. People I can be open with. People who I don't have to be superficial with. I'm trying to find people who I can be the real deal with. I'm tired of being front-stage mentality because I've done that all of my life. Whether it was abuse at home, because, you know, what was going on with mom and dad. When I was... during my childhood or during my adolescence meaning that I was in pain and having problems at home. Even my foster care. Not feeling like I was accepted. You know, not feeling like I was cool enough. So it's been difficult for me. I been coping with this for nearly twenty years. So it's hard for me. I don't know what to say. What do I say? (chuckles) How can I do this? I vented (chuckles) Thank you. That was my mental health. (chuckles)