Anger Is Something That Is Hard to Deal With
ANGER IS SOMETHING THAT IS HARD TO DEAL WITH
Anger is something that is hard to deal with. That surge of extreme emotion, building up like a volcano, threatening to erupt. Always knowing that something's gotta give... knowing that eventually it will give... and the fear of how you will cope when it does.
We all get angry, about things that are unfair or when things don't go the way we expect, but I am talking about that explosive anger that overwhelms every bodily mechanism. Where your mind seems unable to focus, where nothing exists except the pressure. This is the anger that I experience. It's hard.
When I was younger I expressed my anger in violence. I would kick holes in walls, smash windows and totally zone out for periods. After much reading and working on my anger, I started a journal. It wasn't just any journal. It was special. I carried it everywhere with me. I never went anywhere without it - I couldn't. I didn't believe I could cope without that book. Every time I was angry... every time I felt that explosive feeling, the larva of that volcano building up, I would write, draw, scribble.
Anything that released the anger was good. People thought I was nuts, but I tell you that book kept me sane. Somehow there is satisfaction in getting things down on paper - seeing your anger not in damage, not in a form that was hurting anyone.
I used other methods as well - hitting pillows and squeezing ice. But nothing gave me quite the satisfaction and relief as writing and drawing. Over time, reviewing my journal showed a major change. Slowly I was learning to cope with that anger that overcame me - that volcano inside. Eventually I let go of the journal and I could get by leaving it at home - just writing when I needed to, and then I totally let go.
No longer did I need anything to cope with that anger. That which was unsurpassable due to its intensity had finally been overcome. So when things give, no longer is there fear of how I will cope. I know I can get through anything, no matter the size or the difficulty.