My name is Eli.
I was born into a perfect neighborhood and family. I had all I needed, yet when I turned 12 everything became odd. I wished that I was someone else, someone who wasn’t suffering from such odd and horrible fits of anxiety of things I can’t remember, someone who could enjoy things. I felt insane and unhealthy.
This was a horrible time. I was left to an unhealthy mind, my own. I tried to challenge the thoughts that raced and cycled in my head, but I couldn’t with all my might. Then I became confused about God and religion. I’ve never been a big believer in either, yet I didn’t understand my being on this planet. I thought that there was some sort of “glitch in the system”. Next came the obsession with soundtracks and music. I became an existentialist and thought that I could only use movies and music to describe my problems to myself. Again, my mind was my own therapist, which by the way is something that you should avoid entirely. You can’t separate one part of your mind from another and use it to talk about your troubles. I did so, and some of it actually worked; but mostly it made me feel crazy because I did it during homework, school and even talking to friends. The same thing happened with pacing and processing what happened in my day and the previous days. Everything felt solemn, almost as though I was bound to end up killing myself some time in my life because I wouldn’t be able to stand such odd anxiety.
I eventually used the power it took to pace, cry, yell or dwell in anger to get through my problems. When I was younger, I noticed moments of awe in my life that I enjoyed to the largest extent possible. It felt as though nothing else mattered. Those moments decreased, and I was left to a boring life where nothing was beautiful. The moments were what I think of as “complex in their simplicity”, which basically means that something can be so simple yet incredibly interesting. Like the color green. Green is simple, yet there are so many complex shades of it. I wouldn’t have said such a thing until recently. I would have just called it downright boring green. Then, I had one while walking on ice during a winter night and just watching my breath flutter and the purple clouds. Another time was when it was raining and I was extremely stressed, until I used the anxiety to power a heightened sense of feeling. I shut my eyes and felt the rain. It opened my mind and welcomed me to a happier life.
I still get in theses fits, yet I know what to do when they happen. I believe that the key to solving depression and anxiety is to put the power it takes to be so angry and channel it into calming down and using it against the monsters we call “Depression” and “Anxiety”.