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The troubling road to happiness

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Hello everyone! My name is Deja. I’m your average 19 year-old college student. I love hanging out with my friends and family, playing sports, and I am trying to get into becoming healthy.

When I was 15 I started a new high school. I tried to make friends, but I felt like no matter what I did I just wasn’t making a connection. I would go home after a horrible day of school and just go to sleep to escape my problems and do it all again in the morning. Unfortunately, this took a turn for the worst when my mother passed away at the end of that year. I never talked to anyone about it. Handling a loss that big on your own takes a lot out of a person, but I tried to deal with it. Two years after she passed away, I always felt like this horrible sadness was weighing on me. No matter what I did, I couldn’t shake it. I was always weak, tired, on the verge crying, and it seemed like the only emotion I was capable of feeling was sadness. When I wasn’t sad I was completely numb. I stayed up until 4 or 5 in the morning. One night in particular I sat up thinking about everything; school, family, my personality, etc. Somehow I came to the conclusion that I hated absolutely everything about myself. I hated my personality, my body, my face, and that I was so distant from my mother when she was alive.

Right after I had come to the conclusion that I hated myself, I went on Google and looked up the signs of self-hate and, sure enough, a couple of articles described me down to a T. I talked to my best friend the next morning (who has struggled with depression) on the phone and she told me to go see a therapist and that it would help. I saw a therapist the next week and was told I have Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder and depression. I was placed in group therapy. I learned some great methods to deal with my depression and anxiety, which I still use today. I learned that depression is not who I am. The things that are causing me so much stress today are only temporary. But the best thing that I did was start a journal, it’s the one place that I know for a fact that I can be completely honest without being judged. Putting all my pain and sorrow on a page was the best thing that has ever happened to me. It made me change the way the way I think about life. 

To me, depression is a war that you are fighting with yourself. It won’t be easy to overcome but it is a winning battle. I can’t sit here and say that I am 100% okay, but I am a lot closer to winning this war then when I started.

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