Recovering from sexual abuse and anger
My name is Holly, and I live in California. I love to help people my age, read, write, listen to post-hardcore music, and spend time with my friends and with my mom and our four animals.
For most of my teen years, I was a rebel who thought that she could rule the world. I learned the hard way that this wasn’t the case, and did things that were the wrong things to do. I ran away so many times, putting myself in danger and making the ones who loved me worry. I fought with my mom and her wife all the time while taking my anger out on the ones I loved, because of my past.
At the age of 13, my mom’s wife’s nephew raped me every Wednesday when my mom went out to knitting. He threatened me that if I told anyone, he would hurt my mom. I didn’t tell anyone until three years later, when he and his brother were placed in foster care again. My mom found out and called the cops to investigate the case, but the judge ruled it to be a consensual situation, and he got off. For many months, I fought with my emotions to keep strong for my mom.
But that was just the beginning of my struggle. When I got into high school, I went through hell and back. I was in and out of a behavioral hospital for suicide and depression. There, I was diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder and severe depression. Along with that, I was having problems concentrating in school. I was so lucky to have the friends I had to help me through my dark times. But that wasn’t the worst of it all. My anger and depression grew, and it finally got to the point where my mom’s wife and I got into fistfights. They would call the cops, and they would try to calm me down. Sometimes it would work, other times not so much. Finally, it got to the point where I hated my mom and her wife so much that I tried to get removed from the house. But that didn’t happen.
As I fought my inner demons, my parents decided to put me on medication. At first it only made me worse. But with counseling and a still supportive group of friends I was able to get a little better. However, while in and out of a behavioral hospital, things got worse again.
My parents got to the point where they wanted me gone. So one night, my mom’s wife and I got into it really badly, and that night I was sent to juvenile hall. When I got out, I tried to change. It didn’t last very long. Two weeks later, I was back. When I came out, though, I was a changed person.
As I moved forward, I took a lot of the advice that I was given in juvenile hall and in the programs that I went to, to heart. I noticed that all the advice I was receiving were things that I heard from my mom. A lot of it was that I needed to let go of the past and that I needed to open my ears to the words that were being spoken to me. I also noticed that everyone was telling me how strong I was and that if I started on the right path, I could go and do great things.
With the help of my boyfriend, my friends, my mom and the other people in my life, I learned that if I wanted to change the way I was, I needed to help myself. And with the help of the programs that I went to and juvenile hall, I changed for the better. I got through it by a miracle. My mom was my biggest fan even after we fought. She was there at the juvenile hall every Thursday to visit me. The fact that I had her on my side the whole time made me realized that it was time for me to grow up and pull my head out of my butt.
I didn’t learn my lessons until later on in my life. I found that my strong will and my ability to vent through helping others was what also got me through this. Also, thanks to my animals and my stuffed animals, I could blow off steam with them. I found that walking helped a lot and being creative was just as helpful. As time went on, I began to focus on the future and all that it has in store for me. Though I may be still struggling with my depression, I have found that talking to others and writing truly helps. I still keep a supportive group of friends by my side when it hits me again. But this time I face it and am able, with a little help, to get back on my feet and continue to walk forward. Now, even though I went through hell, I am sitting here tonight typing this and smiling. If I can make it through my darkest times, then so can you!