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Real Story

Making it through my darkest times

9

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Recovering from sexual abuse and anger

My name is Holly, and I live in California. I love to help people my age, read, write, listen to post-hardcore music, and spend time with my friends and with my mom and our four animals.

For most of my teen years, I was a rebel who thought that she could rule the world. I learned the hard way that this wasn’t the case, and did things that were the wrong things to do. I ran away so many times, putting myself in danger and making the ones who loved me worry. I fought with my mom and her wife all the time while taking my anger out on the ones I loved, because of my past.

At the age of 13, my mom’s wife’s nephew raped me every Wednesday when my mom went out to knitting. He threatened me that if I told anyone, he would hurt my mom. I didn’t tell anyone until three years later, when he and his brother were placed in foster care again. My mom found out and called the cops to investigate the case, but the judge ruled it to be a consensual situation, and he got off. For many months, I fought with my emotions to keep strong for my mom.

But that was just the beginning of my struggle. When I got into high school, I went through hell and back. I was in and out of a behavioral hospital for suicide and depression. There, I was diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder and severe depression. Along with that, I was having problems concentrating in school. I was so lucky to have the friends I had to help me through my dark times. But that wasn’t the worst of it all. My anger and depression grew, and it finally got to the point where my mom’s wife and I got into fistfights. They would call the cops, and they would try to calm me down. Sometimes it would work, other times not so much. Finally, it got to the point where I hated my mom and her wife so much that I tried to get removed from the house. But that didn’t happen.

As I fought my inner demons, my parents decided to put me on medication. At first it only made me worse. But with counseling and a still supportive group of friends I was able to get a little better. However, while in and out of a behavioral hospital, things got worse again.

My parents got to the point where they wanted me gone. So one night, my mom’s wife and I got into it really badly, and that night I was sent to juvenile hall. When I got out, I tried to change. It didn’t last very long. Two weeks later, I was back. When I came out, though, I was a changed person.

As I moved forward, I took a lot of the advice that I was given in juvenile hall and in the programs that I went to, to heart. I noticed that all the advice I was receiving were things that I heard from my mom. A lot of it was that I needed to let go of the past and that I needed to open my ears to the words that were being spoken to me. I also noticed that everyone was telling me how strong I was and that if I started on the right path, I could go and do great things.

With the help of my boyfriend, my friends, my mom and the other people in my life, I learned that if I wanted to change the way I was, I needed to help myself. And with the help of the programs that I went to and juvenile hall, I changed for the better. I got through it by a miracle. My mom was my biggest fan even after we fought. She was there at the juvenile hall every Thursday to visit me. The fact that I had her on my side the whole time made me realized that it was time for me to grow up and pull my head out of my butt.

I didn’t learn my lessons until later on in my life. I found that my strong will and my ability to vent through helping others was what also got me through this. Also, thanks to my animals and my stuffed animals, I could blow off steam with them. I found that walking helped a lot and being creative was just as helpful. As time went on, I began to focus on the future and all that it has in store for me. Though I may be still struggling with my depression, I have found that talking to others and writing truly helps. I still keep a supportive group of friends by my side when it hits me again. But this time I face it and am able, with a little help, to get back on my feet and continue to walk forward. Now, even though I went through hell, I am sitting here tonight typing this and smiling. If I can make it through my darkest times, then so can you!

Comments

Responses

  • avatar2

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    JustKatieAndNothingMore

    I got sexually abused by my sister’s boyfriend…no one believes me…

    • avatar1

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      ReachOut

      Hey JustKatie, we believe you! We’re so sorry that you went through that and that no one is listening. That must be hurtful and frustrating on top of the harm that has been done to you. But don’t keep silent! We’re concerned it could happen again, if you’re not being protected. Sometimes people don’t want to hear terrible things, but to keep yourself safe, we urge you to sit down with your parents and talk to them again. This might help: http://us.reachout.com/facts/factsheet/telling-someone-difficult-news-about-you Tell .someone until you get help, even if it’s a teacher or school counselor. You have the right to report this to the police, as well. And you probably should see your doctor, just in case.  We want to you to get help and to stay safe, so please see this: http://us.reachout.com/facts/factsheet/sexual-violence  You .can call the Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network (RAINN) at 1-800-656-4673 (http://www.rainn.org) or BoysTown (not just for boys) at 1-800-448-3000 (http://www.yourlifeyourvoice.org) to talk anonymously and immediately. We’re thinking of you, The ReachOut Crew

  • avatar2

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    Holly

    You can be as strong. It is a matter or support. I am here for all the girls that were raped.. I know how it feels.

  • avatar2

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    Holly

    I am sorry that it has taken me so long to get onto this site, but I want you to know that your not alone. Your story really sings to my heart. It hurts to know that you went throught the same.

  • avatar2

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    JamesAutoDude

    I hate when a girl is being raped, but I guess some people go through that :/ I’m glad she got the help she needed though. Sometimes people who are raped, lose themselves.. And turn into people they would never be. And it looks like Holly did just that, but luckily found herself again. It’s good to know that there are some people getting through the roughest times…

  • avatar2

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    srebel92

    I am literally in tears right not im so happy that you can be stong enough to put your story out. I was also raped but that age and circumstances were much different. I wish i could be as strong as you

  • avatar2

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    Black Victoria

    same thiing happened to me. just not the same ppl. was the guy the same age?

    • avatar1

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      ReachOut

      Hey Black Victoria, we’re very sorry to hear that the same thing happened to you. It’s good for you to know that you’re not alone. There’s no guarantee that Holly will respond to this question, as they are not forwarded to her, and we do keep everything anonymous to make ReachOut a safe space.  But we are very concerned for you to have experienced any of what she did in her story.  If you’ve been sexually assaulted, and you haven’t spoken to someone or gotten help, then please call the Rape, Abuse, Incest National Network (RAINN) hotline at 1-800-656-4673 or go online at http://apps.rainn.org/ohl-bridge for instant chat.  Thinking of you, The ReachOut crew

  • avatar2

    Reply - Quote

    Brandyjordan

    everyone can get through tough times together

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