Save yourself

Noukka Signe

I had always received straight A’s leading up to junior year, even in middle school. I attended a prestigious private high school, and I wanted to make my parents proud through my academic achievements, show them that I appreciated everything they were giving me. In turn, I expected a lot from myself, seeing that I could turn out the work, from extracurriculars to sports to AP and honors classes. I went into junior year having taught myself pre-calculus honors over the summer, and I passed the placement exam. I knew it was going to be rough, but that I’d make it through. I took on the two AP’s offered to juniors, the two honors offered to juniors, and a regular language course since that’s all that was offered. I played two sports as well as independent running in the spring, and was involved in plays and science teams. I took on a national science project, and I just collapsed. I ran out of steam. I stopped being me, and I fought myself for not being able to fight through it.

Beginning in the fall of junior year, I started cutting, not because I was necessarily unhappy, but because I was overwhelmed. Every day after school, I could release my stress, but I had to take it out on myself because I was the one who wasn’t able to cope when I should have been able to. The problem is I never dealt with my problems and, as the stress grew, I faded. I became really unhappy and tired, I was in pain, and the cutting served as a reason: if I was in pain, then there must be some physical pain to make sense of it. My misery shifted again, this time leaving me at my worst because I felt nothing. I was numb and the cutting served as a reminder that I could actually feel. I attempted suicide, subconsciously aware of what I was doing. Finally, with pressure from my parents, in combination with internal pressure to perform better, I burst. I couldn’t make my parents understand and went to therapy for months, all to no avail. My teachers weren’t understanding or supportive, but cut me slack after my parents spoke to them.

More importantly, though, I didn’t cut myself slack. The work still had to get done, and I wasn’t willing to stop everything in the middle of the year and suffer through it all again the following year. I continued to plow through despite my lack of presence. The education system declared that I had to complete high school to go on to the next step; I had to complete college to get a job; I had to get a job to support myself; I had to support myself to survive. I had to follow the barred road, so I’d sit in class and zone out, unable to fight any more than to be unaware of what was going on or who was watching me. I wasn’t there.

I had to learn how to cope. I had seen the world- the system of education and how it entraps you, leaves you feeling helpless in deciding what to do with your life. I got “it,” and I couldn’t come up for air without retaining “it” for I’d be living in a fantasy. I used the summer as my refuge, escaping my problems by talking to people who didn’t know what I had gone through. I made new friends, developed new relationships. I saw so many new opportunities as people of different academic calibers shared their aspirations with me. I realized that I can be a part of the system, so long as I hold on to what I want. I’m strong enough to fight back and declare that I don’t want to follow a predetermined path.

I’m taking a gap year and then will go to college, excited to learn for the sake of learning, proud of my B’s alongside my A’s, knowing my limits but prepared to push them for the right reasons. I am not defined by my GPA or my test scores, and I’ve come to realize that college is not the final destination, the reason to bury myself in work in high school. It’s another step that I can choose to take or not take. Any college that demands more of you isn’t the right place for you, and you have to be confident enough in yourself to recognize that. The system only confines you if you let it, and you’re strong enough to fight it off until you have the ability to change it.

Responses

Thanks for your comment on ReachOut.com! We moderate all comments to ensure the site is safe and supportive. Your comment should appear within 24 hours if it is approved.