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Real Story

Holding onto life during tough times

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Fighting self-harm and thoughts of suicide

My names Evelyn (Eve), and I’m 16 years-old. For years I’ve dealt with my inner demons. It left me both emotionally crippled and physically exhausted. There was always a lingering pain in my chest that no amount of cutting or anti-depressants could get rid of. The more I tried to shake away the feeling, the more depressed I grew until, finally, I couldn’t take it any longer and tried to rid myself of the pain forever.

That by far was the biggest mistake of my life. I’ve always heard stories of teens who had committed suicide, and had hoped that once I’d done it the pain would be gone along with my life. But that didn’t happen. The pain lingered, I didn’t die, and I came to the realization that I didn’t want to die. I never wanted to die, nor will I ever. The thought of dying had frightened me into seeking help from my parents.

Weeks later, I was admitted into six months of counseling, but talking alone wasn’t enough and my dangerous habit of self-harm returned.

The toughest time for me was facing my friends and family after knowing what I had almost done. I felt so guilt-ridden that I almost tore apart their lives, and I couldn’t be in the same room with them without thinking that they were silently talking about me. The burden led to me to another horrible path of an eating disorder. I couldn’t eat for days at a time without feeling sick or my stomach cramping up. Each time I refused to eat was another cut to my body.

Writing was the one thing that got me through my tough time. I found that I couldn’t talk about my problems without breaking into tears and writing poetry and journal entries helped me release some of the confusion and lingering depression that plagued my life.

I know that we all have different ways of dealing with our pain, but I never want to make the mistake many others have made by killing themselves or going toward self-harm to make themselves feel better; it’s never the answer to inflict pain on yourself or others.

To anyone who’s listening to this story, all I want to say is don’t give up on life. Hold on because you never know what’s waiting out there for you. Don’t think you’re alone, because everyone feels the pain you’re feeling sooner or later.

As of today, I’m still in counseling, but I’m finally, finally, becoming the person I was before. I’m able to smile and relax and hang out with my friends without feeling the need to hurt myself because I’m living for them and myself.

Comments

Responses

  • avatar2

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    Trying_to_survive

    After reading this article i realized maybe there is hope….after all sometimes you make a huge impact on people i never knew i could but then again how strong can you become?

    • avatar1

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      ReachOut

      Keep trying hard, friend!  You’ve got this!

      —The ReachOut Crew

  • avatar2

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    Mterri6

    You are wise beyond your years.  I am a counselor and help others with their problems, but I have ongoing depression.  I am being treated, but their are still times, like now that I just want to pull the covers over my head and stay their.  I don’t want to discuss this with my family anymore, it’s old news.  I do my best to put on a happy face and fake it through the day.  It is exhausting.  I often lock myself in the bathroom and cry.  I seem to be always on the verge.  I have very little appitite, I have to walk my dog daily, so I get a little excersize, but I dread it.  My family is wonderful.  I love having them around, but still feel sad.  I have many regrets from my past and guilty feelings I can’t shake.  I do my best to look ahead, but these things haunt me in my dreams.  The future to me is scary.  I want to be the rock for my family, but it is such a struggle.  I see people that are full of joy and wonder how they ever acheived this?

    • avatar1

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      ReachOut

      thanks for writing to ReachOut. We see that you are a counselor and are sorry to hear about your ongoing battle with depression. Hang in there… Also we hope you have connected with some professional help to give you support on your journey.
      We wish you the best,
      the ReachOut Crew

  • avatar2

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    Winter Sykes

    Reading this just makes me think of myself i have went though most of the things you talked about
    after i tried killing myself i didnt want my friends and family to know i thought that they would think
    that i was crazy or mental my school counsler found out and took me out of school because i was
    harming myself everyday., im in counsling and its really helping me im being able to smile and hang
    out with freinds more often i have tough times sometimes but the best thing about it is that im able
    to handle it.

    • avatar1

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      ReachOut

      Hi Winter. We’re so glad you are still with us. Thanks for posting your comment and sharing how you are getting help. Your comment can help so many others by showing they can get help, too. <3
      The ReachOut Crew

  • avatar2

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    Szlinsftblplaya

    I think I kind of went through what you did in a way, not as sever but I use to get in these really low places within myself. At times my body would become so numb to everything that i had to hurt myself to make sutre i was still there. Sometimes I wouldn’t sleep and I wouldn’t eat because I just did not have the strength to keep myself healthy. I hated myself for being the person I was and making decissions that were wrong to so many others. I lost all my friends, and was sexually harassed, raped, verbally abussed, and bullied. Even the one person I thought was there for me called me names and never really listened to my cry for help. Every day I would go to school knowing these things were haunting my thoughts yet I always put that smile on. I was embarrassed with who I was. I had no one to talk to and my best friend, my mom couldnt even help because I was to scared to tell her my feelings. So like you I began to write things down in a journal all my bad low feelings would flow out of me all my depression was put on to those pages my numbness was left there at night I was allowed to break down to the point were I thought maybe just maybe it would be ok to end my life and to leave this horrible place. I then hit rock bottom I became so numb that I ended up writing a suicide note to my family because at that point I only had them I took a few more pills than I should have ones that were not even for me and I sat awake that entire night waitig for something to happen some life changing thing to happen. Nothing happened and I moved on I became so disgusteed with myself that I made a wall to never let anything go through my mind I dont think about things and it is the most numb feeling there is. My journal was a place for me to release all of my feelings and not have to worry about what people thought becasue it was only a book of words that no one was ment to read. Then I left for college leaving all of my bagage behind I wanted a new beginning. Com[pletely forgetting about my journal I left it at home amongst many other books thinkning it would be safe from outside eyes. Then one night I recieved a call from my mom she sounded hoarse almost as if she had been crying but I thought nothing of it all she told me was that she wanted to hear my voice. Later she ended up coming to visit me and she told me that she had read my journal. I was so embarrassed and I didnt know what to say my little private world where I was able to vent is now gone. Im dreding going home for thanksgiving break I am so embarrassed about what I had wrote. But this is just another bump in the road, another brick ito add to my wall that i have built up. I am working on being truely happy and trying to get the word out about teen depression and suicidal thoughts. All I wanted was for someone to notice and listen without remark. Thats what I am doing for many of my friends, I’m listening.

    • avatar1

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      ReachOut

      HI there. We’re so glad that you’re getting the word out about mental health and suicide prevention! It’s people like you who came through the other side who can most help others, and listening is a wonderful way to help people.  We’re a little concerned about you though, when you say that your private world of your journal, where you were able to release your emotions, is gone since your mom read it.  It sucks that she read it without asking you, and it’s natural to feel resentful and embarrassed, but maybe this presents you with a way that you can now talk to her, since you were scared to talk to her about your feelings before. Walling things up might help in the short term, but it sounds like you need to get some stuff out, and you mom, who you called your best friend, might be able to help.  Of course, maybe you’ve already found another person to listen to you, another way to cope.  We wish you a great Thanksgiving break and hope all goes well with you and your mom!

  • avatar2

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    Cheyenne_dawkins

    I have cut myself  before. I have stoped and then it came back and today i felt like doing it but i didnt i just punched the wall its better than cutting. I have a few like maybe 4 people who i go to talk to when i feel like cutting. so i dont when i talk to them. I’m happy that i have friends to talk to when i’m upset. Thank you for showing me that it will get better if you get help!

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