Fighting self-harm and thoughts of suicide
My names Evelyn (Eve), and I’m 16 years-old. For years I’ve dealt with my inner demons. It left me both emotionally crippled and physically exhausted. There was always a lingering pain in my chest that no amount of cutting or anti-depressants could get rid of. The more I tried to shake away the feeling, the more depressed I grew until, finally, I couldn’t take it any longer and tried to rid myself of the pain forever.
That by far was the biggest mistake of my life. I’ve always heard stories of teens who had committed suicide, and had hoped that once I’d done it the pain would be gone along with my life. But that didn’t happen. The pain lingered, I didn’t die, and I came to the realization that I didn’t want to die. I never wanted to die, nor will I ever. The thought of dying had frightened me into seeking help from my parents.
Weeks later, I was admitted into six months of counseling, but talking alone wasn’t enough and my dangerous habit of self-harm returned.
The toughest time for me was facing my friends and family after knowing what I had almost done. I felt so guilt-ridden that I almost tore apart their lives, and I couldn’t be in the same room with them without thinking that they were silently talking about me. The burden led to me to another horrible path of an eating disorder. I couldn’t eat for days at a time without feeling sick or my stomach cramping up. Each time I refused to eat was another cut to my body.
Writing was the one thing that got me through my tough time. I found that I couldn’t talk about my problems without breaking into tears and writing poetry and journal entries helped me release some of the confusion and lingering depression that plagued my life.
I know that we all have different ways of dealing with our pain, but I never want to make the mistake many others have made by killing themselves or going toward self-harm to make themselves feel better; it’s never the answer to inflict pain on yourself or others.
To anyone who’s listening to this story, all I want to say is don’t give up on life. Hold on because you never know what’s waiting out there for you. Don’t think you’re alone, because everyone feels the pain you’re feeling sooner or later.
As of today, I’m still in counseling, but I’m finally, finally, becoming the person I was before. I’m able to smile and relax and hang out with my friends without feeling the need to hurt myself because I’m living for them and myself.