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Real Story

God and sex, my controversy

5

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My name is Jack. I’m 17 and live in south-central Texas- which is a very conservative, very Republican state, in case you didn’t know, except for maybe Austin. Texas is a place where people with firm beliefs are often ignorant and narrow-minded when it comes to things like religion, sexuality and abortion. So, it’s not exactly a great place for an in-the-closet bisexual guy to live.

I realized that I was bi when I was about 13 years old. But, of course, I knew well enough not to tell anyone, after hearing my dad’s comments on gays and experiencing bullying from 4th to about 7th grade.  I began chatting with guys online and “fell in love” with this cool guy in Ohio. Everything was great until my mom found the texts I was sending when she woke me up for school that morning. There were a lot of yelling and harsh words thrown at me, even more when I got home that evening. I was terrified that my enormous dad would pulverize me and kick what was left out the front door. But in the end, after crying and yelling, my parents told me they loved me. I didn’t get it. They were threatening to boot me out one minute and then hugging me the next.

Life went on, but I secretly began to hate myself. I received a lot of messages with a hidden meaning on our drives to Sunday church, which grew more frequent after the incident and made me feel like God didn’t love me. But I just shrugged them off and buried those feelings. After a short time, I started the chatting again but would get caught and yelled at. For three years, I went through this chaotic cycle that put me on the verge of insanity. My dad even went so far as to buy me adult magazines in an effort to turn me straight. It was horrible. I felt dirty and disgusting, like a complete waste of human life. I was on the verge of suicide.

For over three years, I buried these feelings. But, even with the stories about me going to Hell for being bi, which to my parents was the same as gay, I felt myself drawing closer to God. For once in my life, I took an offer from one of my friends to go to a youth group. It was something I had avoided for years, but I enjoyed it and continued to go each week. Then, one night the pastor spoke about how God doesn’t cause murder and war, none of the corruptions and evils that plague society; humanity does. And humanity does this because man is tempted, even subconsciously, into committing acts of sin and evil. That includes the lust I felt towards men. I never fell in love with guys; I just wanted to have casual, non-intimate sex. The temptations were regarding casual sexual behavior with men and the non- intimate lust and stuff, not living a homosexual lifestyle.

It was then I realized God didn’t hate me for what I was. I knew now that I would have to find my strength in the Lord to overcome the casual sex temptations. Surprisingly, it was because of this revelation that I found the confidence to confide my sexuality in my friend Angel. Now she is my best friend and one of the closest people I’ve ever had in my life.

I wasn’t bad. I wasn’t evil or possessed. I was tempted. And now that I know the truth in this, and have committed myself to Him, I can honestly say that a hope has been ignited in me, a hope that has made me feel truly better than I have in my entire life.

 

Comments

Responses

  • avatar2

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    destineyrenee

    jack i admire your honesty as well . People look in the Bible and seam to see what the want . they should also remimber that it does say ” thow shall not judge” i dont see anything wrong with this God makes us the way we are .

  • avatar2

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    FC

    I admire your honesty Jack. I too, am a believer. I have never struggled with homosexuality but I have a few friends that do. I have studied and researched the bible to find out where I stand on the controversial topic of homosexuality. It is not as clear cut as people like to believe it is. I believe the church has done a TERRIBLE job when dealing with this issue. It really pisses me off how the church can pinpoint one “sin” and not others. But I am glad you were able to connect with Christ again. I hope and pray you continue to strive towards what you believe Christ wants for His believers. God bless. Keep the faith. Keep persevering.

  • avatar2

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    Guest

    This actually made me cry. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but it did. Not because of what you went through, although that is a horrible thing to go through with your parents (and I’ve been there, so I share the experience to some degree). But what shocked me about this, is the way you seemed to demean yourself. Honey, honestly, temptation is hard to notice and I agree with the idea that it might have been temptation, but being Bi or Gay is not something to pass off as easily as you did. The people that I know who have done that, are people who have ruined marriages, because they tried to convince themselves what they were doing was wrong. It seemed like they hated themselves, and I just don’t want that for you. Like the two under this story said, you were made the way God wanted you to be made. Whether that be with temptation, or homosexuality, or bisexuality. You just have to understand that people can be homosexual, or bisexual and fall in love. 

  • avatar2

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    Maggie

    God loves everyone no matter what. We are all made the way He wants us to be. Thank you for sharing this smile

  • avatar2

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    Guest

    You weren’t tempted. God made you bisexual exactly the way you are. Love is love, and you felt it. Gay people fall in love too. It has nothing to do with temptation or sex. All I can say is that I’m sorry you have to deal with all this.

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