My name is Paige. I live in the Midwest with my two parents and my puppy dog. I go to a private high school and work at an ice cream shop. Things may seem normal on the outside, but on the inside I am fighting inner demons.
Growing up, I never thought anything bad would happen to me. I always said I’d never cuss, drink, do drugs or have premarital sex, but I did. I always said I’d respect myself, but I didn’t. I’ve always known I’ve had depression. It was never horrible, just enough for me to notice it. But this year everything changed. I met a guy in the beginning of my junior year. In the beginning, he was great. But after our relationship turned south, my anxiety and depression started controlling me. I lost 10 pounds in one month from not eating because my anxiety made me so nauseous that I couldn’t eat. I was crying every day because of what was going on in my relationship with this boy. I thought having sex with him would strengthen our relationship, but it only made my anxiety worse and made me feel really low about myself. What I didn’t realize during the relationship was that he was abusing me. I thought he was only giving me lovetaps, but it was only after I left him that I realized the toll he had taken on me. He not only physically abused me, but mentally abused me as well, calling me names regularly. I started intentionally overdosing on my prescription meds so that I didn’t have to feel anymore. When that didn’t work, I turned to cutting. Finally, I told my parents everything that was going on.
One hour after getting home from our spring break vacation, I was checked into a behavioral hospital where I spent five days getting myself cleaned up. Sadly, after being released from the hospital, I lost a lot of my friends. Most of them couldn’t handle being friends with me because of my depression and the others were scared because they had never had a friend that was in a mental facility.
But I am proud to say, I did not kill myself and stopped cutting myself. I don’t overdose on meds any more and am still not with that abusive boy. What got me through this was focusing on myself. I think sometimes we get so focused on helping someone else, or on what others think of us that we forget about ourselves! During this year, I forgot what my hobbies were and what I liked to do because I was so miserable. Having this happen to me gave me an excuse to step back and see what I actually liked in my life. I started volunteering at places that centered around animals because I love animals. I started going to church and strengthening my relationship with God. I went out of my way to start hanging out with another group of girls who I actually found I had a lot in common. As for the friends who left me, they weren’t real friends because they left me even when I needed them the most.
Oh man, it’s been hard, but going through this shows me how tough I can be. I know I can make it now because I’ve made it through this.