Persevering through my low self-esteem
I’m 20, and my story isn’t really anything extreme. But it was still bullying. I didn’t even really know until I got to high school. But I wish I had told someone.
I guess it all started when I was in 4th grade. My mom kind of sheltered me, so everything she didn’t want me to know, I learned at school. People would make fun of me, but I just kind of brushed it off. I never went back to that school. 5th grade was okay. I started at a new school and made friends.
Then came 6th grade. I had five friends in my entire 6th grade class. I was picked on just about every day. I tried to tell my mom, but she didn’t really believe me because the same kids who teased me were also nice to me. Really confusing.
Then came middle school. In 7th grade, a girl who I didn’t even know made a point to tell me I was ugly. Every day. I didn’t even know her. After a while, I started believing it. I had a small group of friends who would be considered the weird kids. For whatever reason, people just started calling me names and making fun of everything about me. That’s when my self-esteem when way down. That’s also when I started moving away from rap and listening to rock more. This probably added fuel to the fire.
Things went downhill from there. Fast forward to 10th grade. That was one of the worst years. I had gained weight, and my self esteem was at an all time low. I had invisible walls as high as the Empire state building, but it still didn’t help. Finally, I told my mom, but she wasn’t much help. That’s when I realized that if I can’t tell my mom, I couldn’t tell anyone. So I just kept it inside. After that year, I was still teased. But I knew that I would be leaving in a couple of years, so I didn’t pay as much attention. Graduation day was the best day of my life. It felt like I was being released from prison.
Music and reading have helped me through. After 10th grade year, I was at such a low point that I wanted to kill myself. I didn’t go as far as actually trying, but I just knew that I didn’t want to live anymore. 10th grade year was when I started getting more into heavy metal music. The screaming lyrics were the words I was too afraid to say. I wish I had told someone, because then maybe my high school years would have been a bit easier. My self-esteem was so low that I missed out on opportunities. I gained weight. And I wasn’t even overweight. But I had listened to the other people telling me I was. I didn’t really overeat. I just didn’t exercise. I also wish I had told my mom sooner. To the person or persons who read this, find an outlet. Don’t resort to suicide. Tell someone. I’m even here to listen. Things may seem bad now, but they will get better. I promise. Also, find a group of friends who like and love you for who you are. Those are true friends.
Just like one of my favorite bands, Sleeping with Sirens, says, “Don’t give up because you’re losing.” I’m still working on learning to keep my guard down and getting my self-esteem back up. I’ll always have trust issues, and I’m not sure that my self-esteem will be back to normal. But I think back on my life, and am really glad I didn’t kill myself. YOU are loved. <3 Also, as another one of my favorite bands, Sick Puppies, says, “Hey, it’s gonna be okay.”