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Thread: And again, the bad thoughts...

  1. #1
    Newbie sleepy247's Avatar
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    And again, the bad thoughts...

    Hi. It's been a long while since I last came here and that was because I thought I didn't need any help. But I do. I really do. I can't talk those things to my friends nor my family. I literally have no one that I feel comfortable enough to talk everything that is in my head. Sometimes I talk to my mom, but it's always too vague for her to get it, and I probably didn't want to but the conversation led to it. I hate to put it that way, it makes me feel horrible, but this is how I feel. My sister, she raised me, she took care of me, we played together and she encouraged me to do things I love, and yet I feel like she's the problem. She didn't make the best choices for her life -- giving up university, having two daughters when very young &c. --, and her choices reflects in mine and my family's life. Her husband is problematic, so she divorced, but having two children makes it impossible for her to work and still live by herself. So here's she again, living with me and my family. She's made it before, like, four or five times. She would quit home and live with us, then go back, then repeat. Her daughters, of curse, felt the tension, and if they were agitated naturally, it just made them even more. They don't stop. They scream and cry and make mess. I hate it and can't accept it. I don't accept that her choices weren't just hers, but of us all. She was so selfish. I'm so sad, really. I'm tired, I don't see home like home anymore. I hate being in here. She knew we didn't want it, so she rented an apartment, but it makes no difference, because she has no sufficient money to buy furniture, even working, and the babysitter can't make it up the stairs, so the kids stay here and she takes care of them here. My mom, she's so tired and I love her more than anything and can't stand her suffering, so it just makes this hate feeling grow more and more. I hate to feel like that. My brother, oh my God, my brother is so childish. He's just a year younger than me and yet he acts like he's 5. He doesn't understand and it drives me mad. I explode. We were lunching today and my mom started to talk, unburden. So I started too, but she saw the rage I had when I was talking and the subject changed. Later in the conversation, my brother said something like "why don't you kill yourself, then?", and I had to hold my tongue to not say that I've thought about it a hundred times. I threw food in him. I can't control myself anymore and I swear, it's just my sister and nieces come back that I feel like I don't wanna live any longer. I can't put my thoughts in order, I try to write, but nothing comes up. I'm really not fine. I also decided to come here and write what I can't say when I saw a Demi Lovato's interview in which she was talking about her life and career. I can identify to her so well...

  2. #2
    Moderator Mandy_Moderator's Avatar
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    Hello sleepy, I'm really glad that you came here to talk it out with us. We're here, and we are listening. You are not alone in this!

    Goodness, it sounds like you're under a lot of stress, and feeling so overwhelmed at home. I can imagine that it starts to feel a bit cramped. One of my close friends in high school had an older sister who would frequently move back home with her three children, and a lot of the feelings you've expressed here are really similar with hers. One thing that I think helped her quite a bit was being involved with after school activities that could give her some time away from the stress. She also made plans with friends, and to spend time with other family members.

    I see that you're feeling concerned about how the stress is affecting your mom as well. How about taking some time a couple of times a week for just the two of you? Maybe take a walk, go out for lunch, or a snack together, or just spend some time talking and relaxing. It's also helpful to spend some time doing things that can help you express your feelings, and cope with the situation around you. Things like meditation, yoga, writing (I see that's something you have tried), painting or sketching, or something like photography can be so helpful. I actually did a project where I took one photo each day for an entire year when I was going through a pretty tough time. I learned a lot about my hobby, the world around me, and even myself!

    It must have really hurt when your brother said what he did. I'm so sorry. Things may feel dark right now, but there is always hope. I truly believe that. Talking with someone can be really helpful, and I see that you've mentioned you don't really feel comfortable talking to anybody in your life. One thing you can do is talk with someone at the helpline Your Life Your Voice. Since I noticed in another post of yours that you aren't in the US, I know you can't really call them, but you can still check out their online chat (available from 6 pm to midnight CST) as well as their email option. If you click HERE, you can hop on through to their page for the information!

    http://us.reachout.com/get-help/gett...lp-in-a-crisis
    http://us.reachout.com/facts/factshe...-end-your-life
    http://us.reachout.com/facts/factshe...meone-can-help
    http://us.reachout.com/facts/factshe...ing-strategies

    We are all here for you, and truly care! Stay strong! It gets better!
    Note: The ReachOut Forums will be suspended after December 31, 2015. All existing threads and posts will still be available to read and review, but no new posts will appear. We hope to gain new funding, and be back soon, but in the meantime, here are some places where you can keep talking and get support:

    -- Your Life Your Voice
    -- Ok2Talk
    -- American Foundation for Suicide Prevention
    -- Trevor Project Trevorspace for LGBTQIA youth
    -- ReachOut Australia forums

  3. #3
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    Hi Sleepy,
    my name is hailey or my screen name bayhawks, i know how you feel right now to so i havent been on here for a very long time and I'm sorry about that but ok here it goes so the last time I was on here i let everything out and i have a wonderful counselor right now so she is helping me with that ok so i had recently just lost my very good friends because well one of them was blaming all his problems on me and he said he was going to kill himself because of me and it made me really sad and my other friend started helping me and it was really bad that he would say that stuff and finally me and her quit being his friend and we both started feeling a lot of stress off of us and i think that helped us, well then i found another friend her name is Kayla and my other friend's name was Caney and she got really jealous that i started hanging out with Kayla and then she said something to me that was horrible well she isn't really a Christian and i am so she said that you didn't have to be Baptized to go to Heaven and i told her that you had to and she didn't believe me so she said that when she died and went to Hell it was because of me and i finally told her that i didn't want to be friends anymore and she tried apologizing but i didn't accept it i was really hurt and upset that she had told me that. Well then there is this guy that i really really like his name is Blaine [...] and well November 13 was are play and i was passing out papers for the play, and he was going and he asked me if i would sit by him we were friends so i said ok and i told him my friends were sitting by me to and he said ok so when the play started he started texting me even though we were sitting right by each other but thats just how we roll so anyway he asked me if i wanted to hold hands and i texted him ok so we held hands for a while then he asked me if are friend Jesse was cuddling with this she/he and he went over there and hung out with him for like 5 minutes and he told me to scoot down by him so i did and Kayla was their and she saw us so after intermission she asked him out for me but he said i don't know but when we sat back down i was by Kayla and he was by his friend Joshua and we were texting each other and he said yea and I'm like yea what then he said yea i'll dates you and i said ok and he said will you and i said yeah so we were dating so yeah and then he asked me to scoot down beside him and he held out his hand and we held hands it was so romantic!!!! AWWWWWWWWWWWW my heart felt like it melted in 4 pieces. i like blaine like a lot !!!!!!! and he asked if i wanted to "hang out with him" and i said sure so we went outside and we made out and it was nice but then i had to go home and i texted him in the car i said hey and he said hey and that were over and i said ok and then i went home took a shower and went to bed and cried for like 3 hours. So last week on monday my bio dad got out of jail and we were supposed to hang out this weekend but on tuesday he was run over and it killed him so on saturday i went to his funeral and i got to meet my bio mom and my half-brother Jesse [...] and it was nice. and his funeral was in [...] California and his house is huge so he was buried by his house its so pretty but i am so miserable that he is gone he was all that i was living for and now i don't know what to live for anymore.

  4. #4
    Moderator Mandy_Moderator's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by bayhawks14 View Post
    Hi Sleepy,
    my name is hailey or my screen name bayhawks, i know how you feel right now to so i havent been on here for a very long time and I'm sorry about that but ok here it goes so the last time I was on here i let everything out and i have a wonderful counselor right now so she is helping me with that ok so i had recently just lost my very good friends because well one of them was blaming all his problems on me and he said he was going to kill himself because of me and it made me really sad and my other friend started helping me and it was really bad that he would say that stuff and finally me and her quit being his friend and we both started feeling a lot of stress off of us and i think that helped us, well then i found another friend her name is Kayla and my other friend's name was Caney and she got really jealous that i started hanging out with Kayla and then she said something to me that was horrible well she isn't really a Christian and i am so she said that you didn't have to be Baptized to go to Heaven and i told her that you had to and she didn't believe me so she said that when she died and went to Hell it was because of me and i finally told her that i didn't want to be friends anymore and she tried apologizing but i didn't accept it i was really hurt and upset that she had told me that. Well then there is this guy that i really really like his name is Blaine [...] and well November 13 was are play and i was passing out papers for the play, and he was going and he asked me if i would sit by him we were friends so i said ok and i told him my friends were sitting by me to and he said ok so when the play started he started texting me even though we were sitting right by each other but thats just how we roll so anyway he asked me if i wanted to hold hands and i texted him ok so we held hands for a while then he asked me if are friend Jesse was cuddling with this she/he and he went over there and hung out with him for like 5 minutes and he told me to scoot down by him so i did and Kayla was their and she saw us so after intermission she asked him out for me but he said i don't know but when we sat back down i was by Kayla and he was by his friend Joshua and we were texting each other and he said yea and I'm like yea what then he said yea i'll dates you and i said ok and he said will you and i said yeah so we were dating so yeah and then he asked me to scoot down beside him and he held out his hand and we held hands it was so romantic!!!! AWWWWWWWWWWWW my heart felt like it melted in 4 pieces. i like blaine like a lot !!!!!!! and he asked if i wanted to "hang out with him" and i said sure so we went outside and we made out and it was nice but then i had to go home and i texted him in the car i said hey and he said hey and that were over and i said ok and then i went home took a shower and went to bed and cried for like 3 hours. So last week on monday my bio dad got out of jail and we were supposed to hang out this weekend but on tuesday he was run over and it killed him so on saturday i went to his funeral and i got to meet my bio mom and my half-brother Jesse [...] and it was nice. and his funeral was in [...] California and his house is huge so he was buried by his house its so pretty but i am so miserable that he is gone he was all that i was living for and now i don't know what to live for anymore.
    Hello bayhawks, I'm so glad that you decided to come and talk with us today. It sounds like you've got so much going on, and I can only imagine how overwhelming it must be for you right now.

    I'd like to offer you my deepest sympathies for your loss. The grieving process can be so different for everybody, and there isn't any set time or way to grieve, so allow yourself some time. It's a good idea to talk with someone or as many someones as you can who are able to offer you some support at this tough time. Maybe there's a family member or other trusted adult that comes to mind. Have you been able to open up to your counselor about the feelings you're experiencing right now?

    http://us.reachout.com/facts/factshe...meone-can-help
    http://us.reachout.com/facts/factshe...you-might-feel
    http://us.reachout.com/facts/factshe...riencing-grief

    I saw a wonderful list of coping strategies that you posted on another thread. How about utilizing some of those?

    Another thing that you can do, even right now, is call the helpline Your Life Your Voice at 1-800-448-3000. That number is free to call, confidential, secure, and always available (24 hours a day/7 days a week). Go ahead and save that number so you can keep it handy whenever you'd like to call. They really are so helpful! For more information, you can visit their page via THIS LINK, where you will see even more options to contact them.

    No matter what, there is always someone you reach out to! You're not alone! We're all here for you, and we truly care! Stay strong!
    Note: The ReachOut Forums will be suspended after December 31, 2015. All existing threads and posts will still be available to read and review, but no new posts will appear. We hope to gain new funding, and be back soon, but in the meantime, here are some places where you can keep talking and get support:

    -- Your Life Your Voice
    -- Ok2Talk
    -- American Foundation for Suicide Prevention
    -- Trevor Project Trevorspace for LGBTQIA youth
    -- ReachOut Australia forums

  5. #5
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    Thank you Mandy_Moderator for that message i really needed that i just needed to hear someone say that i am actually worth it my parents well my adoptive parents don't really care about my feelings my mom doesn't really want me there she wants me in a girls home or military school because i have had some rough years with them so thank you very much and i will look at those websites that you sent me.

  6. #6
    Moderator Mandy_Moderator's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by bayhawks14 View Post
    Thank you Mandy_Moderator for that message i really needed that i just needed to hear someone say that i am actually worth it my parents well my adoptive parents don't really care about my feelings my mom doesn't really want me there she wants me in a girls home or military school because i have had some rough years with them so thank you very much and i will look at those websites that you sent me.
    Hello bayhawks,

    A few rough years can be pretty tough on a person, but they don't define them forever. The beauty of it all is that just as people can change, so can circumstances. I really believe that things are going to get better for you. Just keep holding on to the hope!

    If talking with your parents isn't ideal for you right now, how about the school counselor, a teacher or another trusted adult? I see that you're going to check out the links that I listed as well, so the helpline at YLYV is another wonderful place you can call and talk with someone.

    I hope that you can always remember that you are absolutely worth it! We're all here for you!
    Note: The ReachOut Forums will be suspended after December 31, 2015. All existing threads and posts will still be available to read and review, but no new posts will appear. We hope to gain new funding, and be back soon, but in the meantime, here are some places where you can keep talking and get support:

    -- Your Life Your Voice
    -- Ok2Talk
    -- American Foundation for Suicide Prevention
    -- Trevor Project Trevorspace for LGBTQIA youth
    -- ReachOut Australia forums

  7. #7
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    Hey, Sleepy.
    Just stay strong, I'm sure things will get better as the time goes on.
    If times get tough I would 100% recommend doing something you love; like walk the dogs, go swimming, smash up a boxing bag or even go to a shooting range.
    It seems your mum gets pretty stressed too. Maybe take her out to dinner or the cinemas one night. Have a good time.

    Hope this helps.
    -Rn

  8. #8
    Administrator Rachel_Moderator's Avatar
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    Hi RandomName,

    It's great that you are such an encouraging person! It shows just how strong you are!

    Great suggestions for doing something you love. Doing enjoyable and relaxing activities can be so helpful.

    If you ever need to talk, we're here for you, and we care.
    Note: The ReachOut Forums will be suspended after December 31, 2015. All existing threads and posts will still be available to read and review, but no new posts will appear. We hope to gain new funding, and be back soon, but in the meantime, here are some places where you can keep talking and get support:

    -- Your Life Your Voice
    -- Ok2Talk
    -- American Foundation for Suicide Prevention
    -- Trevor Project Trevorspace for LGBTQIA youth
    -- ReachOut Australia forums

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