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Thread: bi polar, sex addict, and suicide.

  1. #1
    ReachOut Regular
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    Exclamation bi polar, sex addict, and suicide.

    hey guys. I guess I'm new and this is were I come and introduce myself. Right now, that's not important to me. I'm worried about myself. I was diagnosed with bi-polar disorder type 1 this year, and adhd. I was in a outpatient program due to a suicide mania attempt early this April. I was placed in the program for two months and "successfully graduated." A month went by though, and I was back at the hospital. This time was put in inpatient care for a week and a half on hospitalization alert. Oh and did I tell you I'm only 20? Now why did I have so many crazy problems.. I was in a abusive relationship for over two years. When I was 18-20. (ended july 9th of this year) Before him, I had cheated using him on my ex before him. Before my ex, I was sexually abused by a man and a woman my sophomore year of high school. (Different times, didn't know each other, just the same year period) During the abusive relationship I became a sex addict, started sleeping with over 20 men. All found online, and I'd meet them up for a one night stand. Guys from 47 years old. I didn't care. I physically and mentally did not care anymore. I am struggling with wanting to kill myself because my best friend killed himself my senior year. I talked to him 6 hours before, and that was my life changing moment. I've struggled with sadness, depression, and heartache.

    But good news, I have been 6 months clean of my abuser. I have been consistently taking medications. I have been working so hard at my jobs and been getting promotions left and right. Yet, every time I realize that I seem to smile all the time, everyone knows me as someone happy and loving and bright. Anytime I get alone, anytime I am by myself, all I do is think about that in this moment I should kill myself. Because I am scared I'll never be able to love someone. That I'll hurt every guy I become close with, and cheat on him. That no matter how much I work, I'll never be truly satisfied with the world and how everything is right now seems to be all false in the sense. Why is the suicide rate so much higher anyways? Does scientist/psychologist realize that the more time passes the higher the suicide rate goes. Because not only is our brains actually seeing the world for what it really is, that no matter if you have everything in the world (the world we are living in, isn't even worth the great robin Williams to stay in) you will still be unhappy. Because you yourself, as humans, haven't given ourselves the true reason of living. Someone ruined freedom and actual life a long time ago. I'm sorry but I'm scared to live on this planet.. and this is just parts and pieces of things I've gone through.

  2. #2
    Administrator Susie_Moderator's Avatar
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    Hi Lilliann,

    First, I want to tell you that I'm so sorry for all the things you've been through, and all the things you're currently going through. You deserve good things. I'm glad you came here to ReachOut to talk it over.

    It was really brave for you to seek help, and to go through the program you did, and to stay in the hospital -- that shows that you really do want to get better, and have a better life. It can take time for medications to really work, and for life adjustments to happen, and for new habits to form. I hope you'll allow for that time, because you really do deserve it.

    It sounds like you have good therapy and care, but sometimes it helps to talk to a new voice. You can ALWAYS call the helpline at Your Life Your Voice, 1-800-448-3000. Maybe when you're having those feelings when you're alone, that would be a good time to call. They are available 24/7, any time, and the call is free and confidential. You could put the number into your phone right now, so you can call when you're ready.

    You're worth it all, my friend. Stay strong. Press on.
    Note: The ReachOut Forums will be suspended after December 31, 2015. All existing threads and posts will still be available to read and review, but no new posts will appear. We hope to gain new funding, and be back soon, but in the meantime, here are some places where you can keep talking and get support:

    -- Your Life Your Voice
    -- Ok2Talk
    -- American Foundation for Suicide Prevention
    -- Trevor Project Trevorspace for LGBTQIA youth
    -- ReachOut Australia forums

  3. #3
    ReachOut Regular
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    Thank you.

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