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Thread: About to break

  1. #1
    Newbie amandaxoirene's Avatar
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    About to break

    If by some chance someone actually takes the time to read this and understands please talk to me; I could use some help.
    I haven't cut in about 3 years; tonight I haven't been more tempted in those last three years. I don't know what's wrong with me, it's like a switch just got flipped and all I want is to feel [...]. I couldn't stop crying, my hands were shaking, and I got that all over hot feeling when you feel like you're finally just going to break. I tried to text a couple of my go to people but with it being 3 in the morning I can't really expect them to be awake and I would feel terrible calling and waking them up all because I'm having some sort of mental breakdown. I'm supposed to be seeing a counselor but I keep getting jerked around and it's nearly impossible to set up any kind of regular appointments.

    Everyone has stress in their lives but I can't seem to control anything when it comes to stress. I stress over the smallest things but my brain can't seem to process that these little things aren't life altering, impossible to handle, problems. I guess this is where I throw out the fact that I have borderline personality disorder on top of severe anxiety and depression. I tend to let things fester and build up until I can't take it anymore because I hate to burden other people with my problems, that I feel I should be able to handle on my own. I guess that's where I'm at now; I'm continuously taking everything that anyone says to heart, I'm letting my fiancé's mother convince me that I'm a bad mom and that I mistreat my step son, all because I discipline him instead of giving him anything and everything he wants and don't let him get away with everything like she does. I moved over six hours away from my family and friends and everything I've ever known to be with my fiancé and lately I've been asking myself if I made the right decision. We're currently in my home town visiting and my step son woke us up because he's sick with an awful cough and for some reason I just saw my world fall apart. I'm so concerned with what everyone thinks and all I can think about it how my mother in law will surely blame it all on me and make me feel awful. To be quite honest I don't know how much more I can take being away from my family and loved ones. There's a constant ache in my chest and a longing to be home that I can't control. E

    Everything just keeps getting piled on and piled on and I'm so afraid of having to admit myself for treatment again because I just can't handle the stress of life. I can't help but to think that going back to old, familiar, and comforting coping skills would ease some of this pain I feel inside. I just want to feel normal. I don't want to feel like I need to physically hurt myself to feel release and know I'm still really alive. But right now that feels like the most comforting option especially when there's no one to talk me down.

  2. #2
    Administrator Susie_Moderator's Avatar
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    Hi Amanda,

    It was really smart and brave for you to come here tonight, instead of just giving in to your urges. Being clean for three years is fantastic... good job. You can do this. You did it for three years!

    I wish I knew why some people have to make other people feel "less" in order to make themselves feel "more." You aren't less. You're helping to parent a child -- one that isn't even "flesh of your flesh," and that's really amazing. Kids get sick, all the time. It isn't your fault, even if your fiance's mom tries to make you feel that way.

    Have you every talked to a helpline? You could call Your Life Your Voice right now, if you want. They're available 24/7 by phone at 1-800-448-3000, and they're free and confidential. They also have texting, online chat and email. Click here to read more about all of those methods.

    Is it possible that you've taken on more than you were prepared for, moving far from family and friends and support system, taking on a parent role, etc.? Would it be better to consider staying back with your family for a longer visit, maybe seeing a counselor there in your hometown, getting your head on straight before returning to where your fiance and his family lives? If you're considering returning to a behavior that hasn't been a problem for three years, this is a pretty big breakdown, and maybe needs some pretty serious attention.

    It's ok to take care of yourself, too, not just other people. You're just as important, and can't be of any use to other people if you're a mess.

    We are on your side.
    Note: The ReachOut Forums will be suspended after December 31, 2015. All existing threads and posts will still be available to read and review, but no new posts will appear. We hope to gain new funding, and be back soon, but in the meantime, here are some places where you can keep talking and get support:

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  3. #3
    Newbie amandaxoirene's Avatar
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    Lately every time we come to visit my family I dread the fact that I'm going to have to leave again. Being that we both work our trips generally can only last a few days; I always feel like it's not enough time to do the things I want and see the people I want to see and given my habits and bad decision making my fiancé doesn't trust me to do anything or go anywhere without him. I want to reconnect with friends and don't feel like I can do that with him lingering and supervising everything that I do. I feel like I'm suffocating. As much as I would love to stay longer and I'm sure I could take a leave from work if need be my fiancé would 1. Fight me on the suggestion of me staying behind and 2.return home with not only my step son but also my 15 month old daughter. I have never been away from her for more than a few day (when I was in the hospital) I can't bring myself to watch him take her from me when she is a big part of my support system. I look at her and I'm terrified she'll end up like me so I try so hard to be better for her but I cant stand the thought of not being with her everyday.shes my little ray of sunshine when my world seems to be filled with darkness and rain.

  4. #4
    Moderator Mandy_Moderator's Avatar
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    Hello amandaxoirene,

    Having some extra time with your family sounds like it could really help. How about having a member of your family talk to your fiancé with you about spending a few more days if he has to go back to work before you do? Being with family, it sounds like there would be plenty of people around to babysit your daughter if you wanted to go out and reconnect with a friend. If that doesn’t seem like an option at this time, do you think that the two of you could try to plan ahead for a longer stay, and both take vacation from work at the same time?

    http://us.reachout.com/facts/factshe...-communication

    We’re all here for you, and always willing to listen! Stay strong!
    Note: The ReachOut Forums will be suspended after December 31, 2015. All existing threads and posts will still be available to read and review, but no new posts will appear. We hope to gain new funding, and be back soon, but in the meantime, here are some places where you can keep talking and get support:

    -- Your Life Your Voice
    -- Ok2Talk
    -- American Foundation for Suicide Prevention
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    -- ReachOut Australia forums

  5. #5
    Newbie amandaxoirene's Avatar
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    We both had used our vacation time to spend a week with my family back in August shortly after I was released from inpatient therapy. Things exploded after my last post. I broke my three years being clean from self harm. It could have been much worse but it's still sickening to me; I definitely let myself down. My mom sat down with us to try to mediate and where I think it did help a little bit he still threatened to leave and take my daughter away. At one point, when I had locked myself in the bathroom, he asked if I was going to come out to say goodbye to my daughter. That struck a major nerve for me. I then went into hysterics and contemplated staying just so I could admit myself yet again out of fear that I might further hurt myself. The following morning I was woken up by him telling me to pack up my stuff because we were leaving within a half hour. I didn't get to properly say goodbye to my family nor did I get to see hardly anyone I had planned to see. My trip home was ruined because all we did was fight. I wasn't allowed to go anywhere or see anyone without him so I decided it was best to just not see anyone at all. A lot of that stems from the fact that many of my friends are male and at one point or another I had been in a relationship with them or at least slept with them; which in the past had been a very degrading coping mechanism... In a way I understand where he is coming from as far as being concerned but at the same time some of them are my best friends, my support system. One of which is one of if not the only person who can truly get me to calm down and think rationally when I am my absolute worst. No matter how many times I explain it my fiancé doesn't seem to understand that there are many things I just don't feel comfortable talking to him about. I need interaction with people outside of my relationship; I feel like I'm suffocating! Since returning to our home I have took it upon myself to delete all my social media except for my blog in hopes that he might lay off of me a little bit, I've answered only my mom and one of my brothers' texts. Everyone else has been ignored. I'm beginning to feel guilty talking to anyone. I don't have the energy to explain to everyone what's going on with me. I'm so mentally, physically, and emotionally drained I could sleep for days and it still wouldn't be enough. My mom is currently trying to help me find a counselor who is more available and consistent than the one I'm currently seeing. In the meantime I have cut myself off from all socialization and have resorted to reading in all of my free time. I know it's a good coping skill, reading, but I can't help but feel I'm just avoiding reality by engrossing myself in a fictional story. Things have seemed to calmed down, my fiancé and I had our first civil conversation in three days, tonight. I'm just still not content. I don't know what to do. I do love him but I'm beginning to question if it's enough to make me want to stay here... I'm at a total loss. I hate feeling the way that I do; I just want to be better than I am.

  6. #6
    Administrator Susie_Moderator's Avatar
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    It sounds like it might be a good idea to find a counselor that is more available to you -- so maybe your mom is on the right track with that. Is your fiance in counseling with you? Seems like there are some pretty serious trust and control issues between the two of you that could be addressed, in addition to your own personal issues.

    Are you able to talk to anyone about what's going on? Is your mom a good support for you?

    I mentioned the Your Life Your Voice helpline to you before -- have you considered calling them? The number again is 1-800-448-3000, and talking to them might really help. They're available by phone 24/7.

    We want to be part of your support system. Keep communicating!
    Note: The ReachOut Forums will be suspended after December 31, 2015. All existing threads and posts will still be available to read and review, but no new posts will appear. We hope to gain new funding, and be back soon, but in the meantime, here are some places where you can keep talking and get support:

    -- Your Life Your Voice
    -- Ok2Talk
    -- American Foundation for Suicide Prevention
    -- Trevor Project Trevorspace for LGBTQIA youth
    -- ReachOut Australia forums

  7. #7
    ReachOut Staff Member Bookworm's Avatar
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    Hey amadaxoirene!

    I just want to add on to Susie's post: like you said in support of another user:
    Quote Originally Posted by amandaxoirene View Post
    Keep your head up and keep pushing on. You're stronger than you think and these feelings don't define you.
    Right back atcha!

    I love reading too and it IS a good coping skill. It takes your out of your own head and lets you walk in another's shoes. You might even come back from the escape of reading with a new energy ( especially if you're reading about a kick-ass heroine )

    It really does sound like you need to talk to your fiance about how you're feeling. Mandy had included a fact sheet about effective communication. Did that help? Maybe talking to the counselor will help you come up with a plan on how would be best to talk to him.
    Stay strong! Big hug to you !

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