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Thread: Rape

  1. #1
    ReachOut Regular
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    Sep 2015
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    Rape

    It all started when I was 11 years old...my mom would take me to parties with her and let me drink and smoke. I would get up and dance with the adults and flirt with the older guys but I never let them do anything to me. One night at a party a guy closer to my age sat in a corner by himself sipping on a beer. He looked at me and smiled. I smiled back at him.
    A few weeks went by and he never said a word to me only smiled at me until one day we were driving and my mom seen him walking. he waved her down and asked for a ride. He told her he had no where to go and needed a place until he got on his feet. "Sure" my mother told him. But only a few weeks she had said. We picked up a few other people and the guy got in the back seat with me. I smiled at him and continued to write in my notebook. On the drive home he took my notebook and pen and wrote a note in the back that said; you are the most beautiful girl I have ever met. My heart began to race I had never felt this feeling Before.
    After he got settled in or more like pushed his way into our lives he began to get closer to me. He followed me around. Watched me while I did my homework or brushed my hair. Talked to me while I did my chores. Sometimes he would brush by cheek with the back of his hand and call me beautiful. At night I lay awake picturing us together having children together. making a life with each other. I pictured him kissing me or whispering that he loved me.
    My fantasies soon turned into a nightmare that I felt I could not escape. It started with him coming into my room late one night. He pulled back the covers and slid into bed with me holding me close to him. I felt so safe and comfortable. I am so in love with you he whispered. Would it be okay if I kissed you? I didn't really know what to say and before I could say anything he did it anyways. Things began to move very fast. He began to touch me and I asked him to stop. Don't you love me he whispered. If you loved me you would let me! I do I said but stop. He rubbed harder. I tried to pull his hands away but he was stronger than me. I was so scared. And then, as if nothing had happened, he got up out of my bed and left. I avoided him as much as possible for the next few days until one night while my mom was at work. He came to my room and asked me to do him a favor. What? I said snappy and impatiently. My sunglasses fell behind your moms bed can you reach them for me? I got up and went to her room looked under the bed. I should if known...I don't see any sunglasses under here! And before I could look back he had grabbed me by my legs and was holding me down. I kicked and screamed but he ignored my cries and pulled my pants down. [...] I cried for him to stop. Begged him please. But he never stopped. The pain wouldn't stop. The hurt never stopped. But for weeks I let it go on. Let him rape me over and over again. I let him lie to me. I let him steal from me. I let him hit me and call me names. I believed his empty promises and let him cry all over me when he realized what he had done to me. I promise I will make it all right for you. My love, my heart. I swear I will never hurt you again!
    Finally I got some guts and told on him one day. Finally he was out of my life. But the pain still haunts me 8 years later it still lingers over me. Like an obnoxious rain cloud. Like a block on my chest. Like an itch that you just can't scratch. it never leaves me.
    Even now that I am grown and have my own life, the hurt is still there. The anger. The agony. And I suppose it will always be there.
    But to all the other girls out there who think they are alone. You are not alone you are not an outcast. It isn't your fault. It's not your mothers fault or you brothers fault it's not the dogs fault or the man standing next to you at the bus stop. You are a person with feelings, hopes, and dreams. You are beautiful in every way. But most importantly; you ARE a survivor!

  2. #2
    Administrator Rachel_Moderator's Avatar
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    May 2012
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    Hi Survivor, I just wanted to welcome you to our community, tell you that I love the name you chose, and also give you a hug after reading your story. I am so sorry you went through that pain and hurt, but I am glad to see that you have come through the other side and recognize that it was not your fault. That's a huge step. Your words of encouragement to others are very inspiring, thank you for taking the time to include that. You're awesome.

    I wanted to note that while we had to edit some of your post since it may be potentially triggering for other users, I don't want you to think you can't come here and talk with us any time you need to, about anything.

    I hope that you do not feel alone in this either. We're here for you, and we also have support services that you are free to utilize if you ever feel the need. We have a youth helpline that you can call any time, it's completely free: 1-800-448-3000. We have live chat, email, and text support too, which you can find out more information on here: http://www.yourlifeyourvoice.org/pages/Home.aspx

    I don't know if those feelings ever go away, but I do know that it helps to talk about it, and keep talking about it. Have you ever spoken with a professional about what you are experiencing and feeling? I picked out some factsheets I think may provide helpful information for you:

    http://us.reachout.com/facts/factsheet/sexual-violence
    http://us.reachout.com/facts/factsheet/child-abuse
    http://us.reachout.com/facts/factshe...meone-can-help
    http://us.reachout.com/facts/factshe...-disorder-ptsd

    You write very well, and easily convey your thoughts and feelings with written word. That's a gift. Do you write? Have you ever considered journaling as part of therapy?

    I hope that you will continue to come here and share your thoughts with us. I am so glad you are a survivor too!
    Note: The ReachOut Forums will be suspended after December 31, 2015. All existing threads and posts will still be available to read and review, but no new posts will appear. We hope to gain new funding, and be back soon, but in the meantime, here are some places where you can keep talking and get support:

    -- Your Life Your Voice
    -- Ok2Talk
    -- American Foundation for Suicide Prevention
    -- Trevor Project Trevorspace for LGBTQIA youth
    -- ReachOut Australia forums

  3. #3
    Newbie
    Join Date
    Aug 2015
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    "You are a person with feelings, hopes, and dreams. You are beautiful in every way. But most importantly; you ARE a survivor" That's the greatest thing I've ever heard, after everything I had just read the fact that you're so strong and giving out advice like that, saying words like that, know how tough you are and calling yourself a survivor, you're more than that, you're thriving. Yes, we all have awful stuff like this happen to us in our lives, no one is immune, but for you to know what's best for you and to move on strong and powerful like that, it's amazing. FEEL GOOD, FEEL PROUD. FEEL STRONG about yourself, you are everything you know you are! Never let anything get you down, you're an awesome person and it's amazing the way you look at life now. Have a wonderful day and stay strong, he cannot hurt you anymore!

  4. #4
    ReachOut Regular theDot's Avatar
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    Nov 2015
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    7
    you're amazing *.*

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