Experiencing grief

Photo by: ciclocris

If you’ve lost a loved one, you’re probably experiencing a lot of different emotions. Each feeling you experience is another step in your grieving process. The grieving process is like a journey—it takes you from the starting point of your bereavement to a new life.

Everyone grieves differently; some people become very quiet and thoughtful, while others cry a lot. Neither way is better than the other, although some experts believe that most people go through similar stages of grief depending on how far into their grieving process they are. These stages include:

Denial. You might not believe that your loved one has really died.

Anger. You might be angry at yourself, your family members, a higher power, or even the person who died.

Bargaining. You might try to negotiate with yourself or if you are religious, the figure you pray to in order to get your loved one —or even some piece of mind—back.

Depression. This might be an emotional low point for you, when you don’t care about anything or anyone.

Acceptance. At this point, you may begin to make peace with the fact that your loved one has died.

There isn’t a fixed amount of time that it will take you to get through each of these stages. Everyone moves through the grieving process at his or her own pace.

Making it through the grieving process

Managing grief can be really hard. Below are some suggestions that may help you to get through the process.

Accept your feelings. There’s no right or wrong way to feel after losing someone you care about. Accepting the feelings you have and acknowledging that you’re going through a stressful experience can help you manage your reactions. Many people wrongly think the intensity of their feelings means they’re going crazy, but this isn’t the case at all.

Allow yourself to cry. It’s O.K. to cry. If you feel uncomfortable crying in front of other people, you might want to make a plan to leave and cry in a private place. This could be:

• A quiet room;
• The park;
• A school or campus counselor’s office; or
• Your favorite spot.

If you’re in school, it might be a good idea to let your teacher or professor know of your loss, so he or she can be aware of what you’re going through.

Smile. It may be helpful to talk about the memories and good times you’ve had with the person who has died. Remember that it’s O.K. to enjoy those memories and laugh about the fun you shared. This isn’t a sign that you miss the person any less.

Saying goodbye. Part of the grieving process is letting go of the person who died. Saying goodbye to the person helps you to do this. You may want to do this by:

• Writing a letter;
• Going to the funeral; or
• Having memorial service by yourself in your own way.

It’s important to say goodbye in your own way and in your own time. There’s no right or wrong way to doing this.

Avoid bottling stuff up. Keeping things to yourself might cause tension to build up inside you. Finding a way to express how you are feeling might help you to feel better. You might want to talk to someone, write your thoughts down, draw or punch some pillows. Check out the Express yourself fact sheet for more ideas about how to get stuff off your chest.

Talk to someone. It might be helpful to talk to someone you trust about how you’re feeling. This could be a family member, friend, mental health professional, minister or other spiritual leader.

More Information

Lots of issues can come up while you’re grieving. For more specific information on these different situations, check out these additional fact sheets:

After someone has died: How you might feel

After someone dies: What you might have to deal with

After someone dies: moving back into your routine

When someone takes their own life: How you might feel

Helping a friend after someone close to them has died

Communicating about grief with your family and friends

How to deal with grief and loss during holidays and special occasions

Acknowledgments

Some of the information is adapted from the book After Suicide, Help For The Bereaved by Sheila Clark. Published in 1995 by Hill of Content Publishing Company Pty Ltd, Melbourne 3000.

Additional information in this fact sheet was also provided by:

The Elisabeth Kubler-Ross Foundation

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