Adoption: How you feel emotionally about it.

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Finding out you’re adopted

The definition of adoption is the formation of a new and permanent relationship between an adoptive parent and child. This means that according to the law, there is no difference between an adopted child and a child born into a family.

People find out that they’re adopted in different ways. Today most people find out when they are young and grow up with the story of how their family was formed. However, if there is not ongoing discussion in your family about adoption you might not remember being told. You might find out when you’re older, or find out accidentally—each potentially resulting in many different emotions. However you find out, at some stage you might have mixed emotions about being adopted.

What emotions might I feel?

When you find out that you’re adopted you may be experiencing a range of emotions. These may including feeling:

• Angry;
• Stressed and/or anxious;
• Surprised or shocked;
• Confused;
• Curious;
• Excited;
• Down or depressed;
• Isolated;
• Embarrassed to tell others;
• Ashamed;
• Worried.

It is okay to have conflicting emotions at the same time.

Feelings around your birth parents

You might be experiencing a whole range of feelings about your birth parents, including excitement, anger, curiosity, worry, and rejection. Feeling angry or rejected is not uncommon, and you might have various thoughts and want to ask a lot of questions.

Some people might have an instant desire to find out more about their biological parents and background, whereas others may not feel the need or urge, or may in fact feel strongly that they do not want any contact. Everybody’s response is individual, and can depend on a number of factors, including the way you find out about your adoption, or your stage of life.

It might be a good idea to talk to someone about how you feel in general about being adopted and your birth parents. You can start by talking to a trusted friend or adult like a teacher or counselor.

Feelings around your adoptive parents

You might also be experiencing feelings about your adoptive parents, including appreciation, betrayal, unease or anger. You may be worried that if you want to find your biological parents, your adoptive parents might be offended. You might feel disloyal to your adoptive parents, or if you have found your birth parents and you might be unsure about how to tell your adoptive parents.

If your adoption was revealed to you at a later stage of your life, it is possible that you could feel angry towards or betrayed by your adoptive parents. You may be asking questions such as “Why didn’t they tell me earlier?” or, “Why didn’t they trust me with this information about my life?” If you have these questions, find a time when you are feeling calm to ask your adoptive parents. By talking through the circumstances and letting your adoptive parents know how you are feeling, it might help for you to resolve these feelings. In most circumstances your adoptive parents are likely to feel as if they were acting in your best interests, and if they kept the truth about the adoption from you, it didn’t mean that they are untrustworthy people. It is a good idea not to have these conversations if either you or your adoptive parents are very upset or angry. You want to have a constructive conversation. The Arguing with your parents fact sheet has some ideas for how to talk to them about this issue (and any others you may have).

If your adoptive parents do not react the way you were hoping for, it may be necessary to give them some time and space to think about what you say to them and how you feel. You may need to have the discussion with your adoptive parents a couple of times - it sometimes just takes time and patience for both you and your adoptive parents to be able to hear what each other is saying. Over time, your adoptive parents may be ready to listen and understand the importance of this for you.

Things that may help you figure it all out

Let it out. It might take some time to feel like you can talk about how you are feeling about being adopted. It can be helpful to find a trusted person-a family member, friend, counselor, or spiritual leader to talk to about it all. You might also want to talk to other people who were adopted. You can even join a local or online support group.

Find out more. You might feel like there is a ton of stuff about adoption that you still need to learn. Check out the National Adoption Clearinghouse for information, statistics, and resources dealing with adoption. You can also check out the Adoption: Deciding to search for your birth parents family fact sheet for more information and tips.

Access your available resources. The U.S. government has various resources for adoptees in each state. To learn more about your options, check out the Child Welfare Information Gateway, and look at the resources specifically in your state.

The following sources provided information for this fact sheet:

• Kids Health
• National Adoption Clearinghouse
• Welfare Information Gateway

Acknowledgments

ReachOut would like to thank Spence-Chapin Services to Children and Families - especially Rita Taddonio, the Director of the Adoption Resource Center & SPARK in the Post Adoption Services division of Spence-Chapin - for reviewing the content of this fact sheet. Check out Spence-Chapin Services to Children and Families for more information about this topic.

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