ReachOut Blog

What Makes a Good Friend?

by Meredith Friends

What does it take to be a BFF? Over on teen virtual world, Habbo, we asked a couple questions about the meaning of friendship and wanted to share some of the great answers with ReachOut fans.  We weren't surprised to hear trust, support and loyalty come up again and again. What do you think friendship means? Feel free to add your own thoughts and experiences in comments! 

What does it mean to be a good friend to someone?

“To always be there with them through thick and thin. To be a good listener and have a good time with each other.”

“Being a good friend to someone is listening to their problems, standing up for them, is being someone they can trust.”

“It is always important to be there for something if they are having problems, you have always got their back and like them for the way they are.”

“Be trustworthy. Always be there for them and help them with their problems. Have laugh with them and never make them feel bad about themselves. Tell them the truth whether it’s what they want to hear or not.”

Share an experience where you were really there for someone or someone was really there for you.

“Well... When I broke my arm it was hard because I couldn’t do ALL the things they could do. So my friend stayed with me and made the best of it. He really cheered me up, and after a while with his help I could do some things with my cast on because he tried and tried to make my cast work. That’s my story and I will never forget it.”

“When my grandpa passed away a few months ago, I was surrounded by love. Everybody took into consideration how I was feeling and allowed me to have my space and talk when I was ready.”

“When my friend lost his mum as a young teen. I was there to be with him, support him, and to make his memory of her a happy one.”

Also, check out these fact sheets on what makes a healthy friendship:
Friendships
Meeting New People
Coping With Peer Problems

Photo by epSos.de

Wondering Which Came First: Bullying or Depression?

by Meredith Friends, Mental Health, School

After attending the launch of the Born This Way Foundation in Boston last week, we wanted to share this powerful and personal guest post from Youth Council Member Meredith Schneider on her experience with bullying growing up. Be sure to check out her bio at the end! 

Adolescence is a time when self-confidence is being tested—no one knows who they are or where they are going. Comfort zones are beginning to be tested, and people do not know how to react to the changes around them. So sometimes... they lash out.

When I was in high school, I didn’t date. I was super involved in school and extracurricular activities—my idea was to work hard enough to go to an amazing college. I spent all of my time building toward my future, and it ended up taking me places. But, because I didn’t date, people made fun of me. People questioned my sexuality, calling me a lesbian just because I never had a boyfriend. This spiraled into other claims and jabs at my personality, including making fun of the fact that I am a twin. And then the same people who made fun of my personality started to make fun of my looks because I was too nice to retaliate.

During my sophomore year of high school, I cried for the first time in front of my classmates. I decided—after having my life threatened over the internet because of the size of my nose—that it was finally time to not be the nice girl anymore. I changed my attitude because of the way that people treated me. I spiraled down into depression that was not outwardly acknowledged and diagnosed until my sophomore year of college.

I’d like to say I know the answer to the question of what comes first, bullying or depression. I can say that what came first for me was the bullying. But some people are genetically predisposed to depression. It turns out that I was, but that it didn’t trigger until later in life. The truth is that it doesn’t matter if you are meant to be depressed or not. No one deserves to be bullied for being who they are.

Gay, depressed, lesbian, transgender, straight, smart, disabled, depressed, multiple, calm, intense… work it. And don’t dwell on the chicken or the egg. Eventually, most people will grow up and move past it either on their own or by getting help.

For extra reading on the topic of bullying, check out these related links:
For Straight Kids Who Don't Act Straight, It Gets Worse (GOOD)
Are depressed kids bully magnets? (CNN)

To learn more about depression and genetics, visit this website:
Major Depression and Genetics (Stanford)

And for fact sheets on these topics, check out:
What to do if you are being bullied
Cyberbullying
What to do if someone you know is being bullied
What is girl vs. girl bullying

Photo by lenifuzhead

About Meredith

My name is Meredith, and I was born in Kansas City, Missouri.  I spent half of my childhood in Sacramento, CA, and then moved back to KC, where I have been immersed in the NFL and NBA because of my parents’ jobs.  I graduated from the University of San Diego a year and a half early with a Communication Studies degree, and am back in the KC area taking a break from life and working part-time for a beauty store.  I have a twin sister and a younger brother, as well as a “puppy” named Kali.  I love to write, act, sing, and go on silly little adventures with my friends.  Music is my life.  I enjoy scrapbooking, home improvement projects, and am a very creative person in general.  I can’t wait to make an impression on the ReachOut community and to be inspired by all of you!

Teens Sharing Online Passwords: Devotion or Dangerous?

by RO_Admin Friends, Relationships, Sexting

Is sharing your password with a boyfriend or girlfriend an expression of devotion or something you might later regret or both? The New York Times published this story about teenagers who share their passwords as a sign of trust. They reported that according to the Pew Internet and American Life Project, "30 percent of teenagers who were regularly online had shared a password with a friend, boyfriend or girlfriend. The survey, of 770 teenagers aged 12 to 17, found that girls were almost twice as likely as boys to share."

With teenagers growing up living so much of their social lives online, it's easy to see how this digital act of sharing a password can take on a deeper emotional meaning. That said, couples break up, sometimes badly, as do friendships. And the article does include a few cautionary tales of password sharing gone bad, resulting in cyberbullying or spying. It makes the case that the more adults tell teenagers not do to it, the more teenagers feel like it's something they want to do.

What do you think about sharing online passwords? Have you done it before? Do you regret it or would you do it again? Leave your thoughts in the comments.

Also, check out our related fact sheets about assessing your relationship (before you do anything as trusting as sharing a password!), cyberbullying and how to survive an embarrassing event just in case you shared, and it went badly!

Photo by DLSimaging

Perfection Is In The Eye Of The Beholder

by Meredith Friends, School

Today's guest post is from our former summer intern and current Youth Council Member, Rasika Behl, who wanted to share an inspiring story about seeing past difference and celebrating people for who they are. Read more about Rasika at the end of the post!

“She's ‘a real sweetheart,’ well-liked, and incredibly spirited…someone who's a cheerleader, not necessarily in the conventional sense, but...always positive and filled with school spirit, an all-around great student, as well as a friend to and fan of her peers.”

Who is she? Mariah Slick, a high school senior who was just crowned homecoming queen in Azle, Texas, as described by her fellow students. What’s the big deal, you ask? Why is this homecoming queen special?  Well, although Mariah seems just like any other teenager, there is one difference: she has Down’s Syndrome.

As much as I’d to pretend that Mariah and others like her are looked at no differently than any of the rest of us, or that having “special needs” changes nothing because we all should be treated and looked at equally, unfortunately, that is not always the case.  In a world that places so much emphasis on perfection, be it physical appearance, academics, or behaving a certain way in order to fit in, people with “special needs” or those who are seen as “different” are often treated unfairly and rejected or isolated.  I remember witnessing that myself in high school—certain students were unfairly picked on and mistreated because of some arbitrary “difference” that, looking back, seems so ridiculous now.  I mean, we’re all different…isn’t that the whole point?

I’ve always been a firm believer of the idea that it is what’s on the inside that counts. I love this quote I found online inspired by Dr. Martin Luther King -- paraphrasing: I believe that what matters is “the content of your character…the ambitions that drive you…the goals that you set…the things that you laugh at and the words that you say. You are beautiful not for the shape of the vessel, but for the volume of the soul it carries.”

I guess that’s why Mariah’s story made me smile; for once, the focus was on the beauty of her good heart, the big smile on her face, and her shining personality.  Never mind the fact that she’s also beautiful on the outside—for once, no one cared.  

There’s so much pressure to be perfect in high school—perfect looks, perfect clothes, perfect grades…but what is perfection really?  We all have this image of what we think we should be, but what if, cliché as it may sound, we just started truly accepting ourselves for who we are and calling that perfection?  After all, they say beauty is in the eye of the beholder…well, maybe so is perfection.

Guest Post: Getting Perspective

by Meredith Friends, Relationships

Today's guest post is from Christina, who is currently working at the Inspire USA office, about gaining perspective and how it can help you. Read more about Christina at the end of the post!   A friend of mine cancelled on me about an hour before we were supposed to go for a walk. I was aggravated and annoyed that this friend was not being considerate or respectful of my time.  Another friend who I turned to for advice reminded me, "You don't know what this person is going through." I thought about those words throughout the weekend when. Oftentimes, we don't know the reasons behind a person's behavior and we can sometimes quickly think we know why a person has acted in a certain why. Sometimes we may not even recognize that we're viewing a situation or a person with a lens from our past.

I thought about this a lot over the weekend - how to gain perspective about situations and not jumping to conclusions that might be unfair. My friend's one liner helped to remind me to think about the entire context of a situation and to not take things personally before reacting in a way that I might regret later. I thought that I could read my friend’s mind and knew exactly what was happening, but there’s always room for error.

There are many ways that we all might need to sometimes adjust our thinking. Check out the fact sheet on Common Thinking Errors to learn more.

You could also gain more perspective about a situation by considering the following:

1. Asking questions – If you are confused about a situation or don’t understand a person’s behavior, ask them directly in a non-judgmental manner. You could also read this factsheet for tips on how to communicate effectively with your friends.

2. Writing – Sometimes our first response is emotional. If you find yourself feeling very emotional, stop and write down what you are thinking/feeling. This can help you make better decisions and not act in a way you may regret later.

3. Talking to a friend or another supportive person in your life – Sometimes sharing your thoughts with others may help you gain a bit of perspective about a situation. Make sure that you do not give a biased version of the story and try to be as fair as possible. You can also always read the stories submitted to ReachOut.com for some perspective or submit your own.

4. Challenge your own thinking – Try to see the situation in its entirety and avoid judgment or blame on others. If you are having trouble 'beating yourself up' over the issue, you might want to read how to challenge negative self-talk.

5. Participating in other activities – If you’re feeling that you have a strong reaction to a situation, then take a break by going for a walk or run or delving into a good book. You’ll feel much better if you take your focus off your problem, and focus on something else for a short period of time.   Photo by jeffmcneill   Do you "exercise perspective" on problems you or your friends are having by taking a sports break or talking it over? Is there anything that you do to help yourself figure out new ways of looking at things?    

Christina Vo has a diverse background in international development and communications having worked for organizations such as UNDP, UNICEF and Solidariad and was also a Global Leadership Fellow at the World Economic Forum in Geneva. A unifying thread through her professional career has been her interest in the intersection of communications and social change. She has collaborated on a range of communication projects with organizations in the States and Vietnam. While in Vietnam, she worked on a national avian influenza behavior change communications campaign for UNICEF. Christina obtained a BS in public health from the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill and an MSc in social and public communications from the London School of Economics. She lives in San Francisco and spends as much time as possible writing.