ReachOut Blog

Which Home for the Holidays?

by RO_Admin Family

Today's guest post is from ReachOut Council member Chloe, who shares how she has been able to navigate the challenge of celebrating the holidays with divorced parents. Be sure to read her bio at the end of the post!

The holidays are all about spending quality time with your family and celebrating what it means to be together. Whether it's Thanksgiving, Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, or any other holiday that you celebrate, the emphasis is on family time. But what do you do if you don't have the traditional “family portrait” to spend the holidays with? What if you, like many other kids and young adults around the United States and the world, come from a divorced home? What should be a peaceful and wonderful time of get-togethers and family dinners could become quite the stressful time of year. So what DO you do if the holidays force you to make a choice?

The holidays and, in turn the holiday dilemma, works a little bit differently in my life. Although you cannot technically be “half” of a religion, I consider myself half-Jewish and half-Christian, and here's why. My father's side of the family is Jewish celebrates the Jewish holidays. My mother's side of the family is Lutheran and celebrates the Christian holidays throughout the year. My personal belief system is more spiritual than religious, but I choose to take pride in where both of my families’ heritage and therefore, celebrate Jewish and Christian holidays.

The holiday struggle between family members is not an uncommon occurrence nowadays. Half of all marriages end in divorce, and those couples with children now force their children into making one of the toughest decisions that could ever be made; the choice between parents. How does one make a choice like that? I know from experience that there can be tons of stress and anxiety involved when the holidays are approaching.

Luckily for me, my father does not celebrate Christmas so that isn't an issue. Even more fortunate in my case, my mother and father still get along quite well, so they will celebrate together if necessary. But that isn't something that happens in many divorced homes. Making decisions around this time of year when it comes to family is super stressful, but I have learned a few things to help deal with the stress if you are in a similar situation.

Talk to your parents about your concerns. Hopefully they'll listen and help you come to a thought-out and fair decision on how to spend your holidays so no one looses out.

Consider spending one holiday (like Thanksgiving) with one family and one holiday (like Christmas) with the other. You can switch off each year.

Spend the holidays with a sibling. My sister and I, who is a few years older, have also talked about celebrating the holidays with just the two of us. We're still celebrating the holidays with family, but starting a new family tradition until we have families of our own.

Don’t lose sight of what the holidays are all about -- giving, loving, and cherishing those around you. Family is family, whether they're all under the same roof or living in multiple homes. Having your parents get divorced doesn't mean that you're not a family.

Related fact sheets:

When your parents break up
Holidays with your family
Step-families or new family units

If your parents are divorced or separated, how do you deal with the holidays?

About me:

Hi there! My name's Chloe and I'm originally from New York but currently living in South County,  Rhode Island. I'm a freshman psychology major and a Non-Violence and Peace Studies minor at the University of Rhode Island. Although I am studying psychology, I have a real passion for musical theatre and performing and my ultimate dream would be to perform on Broadway one day. In my spare time, I like to read, sing, dance, shop, hang out with my friends, and have a good time. I am so excited to be a part of the Youth Council and happy to have the chance to get involved in helping out others!

Photo by John 'K'

A Salute to Veterans

by Meredith Family, Mental Health

Today's guest post comes from Youth Council Member Jessica Moyeda in honor of Veteran's Day. 

This summer, at the Youth Council Summit, each YC member was challenged to create a personalized action plan. This was an opportunity to dictate the course of our involvement with ReachOut; when prompted to pursue topics about which we were passionate, I immediately thought of veterans.

Imagine this scenario: Your family decides to go out to their favorite local restaurant, and when you arrive your first thoughts are not of menu selections but of where the hostess will seat you. It must be in a corner, or at least along the wall – never in the middle of a room. You ask yourself, is there a clear view of the entrance from your table? What about the exits? Then you realize there are too many people in the restaurant because it is Friday and everyone has had the same idea as your family. You worry it is too noisy and now wonder if you should have just stayed home and cooked.

Some of you may chalk this scenario up to paranoia; others may think it is completely fictionalized. Yet I know there are those of you that have experienced this, or known someone who has these same thoughts.

This is a real scenario from my life, it is also a very narrow illustration of how the most normal situations can be turned upside-down by combat experiences. The hyper-vigilance, the sensitivity to noise and crowds of people are just some of the effects of my father’s Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, and is something my family continues to grapple with on a daily basis. So, for me, it made sense that when I was asked to think of how I could contribute to ReachOut, I thought of helping our veterans.

On Veteran’s Day we are meant to give thanks to the men and women that have made tremendous sacrifices for our freedom. Did you know an estimated 11 to 20 percent of returning combat veterans from Iraq and Afghanistan suffer from Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, but nearly half of today's young veterans will return home with a type of mental health condition (depression, anxiety, PTSD, etc.)? Stigma can also prevent service members from seeking help when they need it most.

So, what can you do if someone you love or know is experiencing some of these challenges?

1. Educating yourself is the single most important step in helping someone you love, because it prepares you for the challenges ahead. Knowledge is power, and in this case it may prompt you to show your support or lend a helping hand.

2. Listen and share. Each veteran experience - and their period of readjustment - is unique. Some may wish to talk and others may not. The important thing is that you express your support. A simple, “I love you and am here for you,” can go a long way. Your encouragement and willingness to listen or talk is a huge component in the readjustment period because it let’s them know you care and are committed to helping them in this transition.

3. Don’t forget to take care of yourself. If your friend or family member is experiencing some of these challenges, chances are you feel strained or tense and may even internalize some of their common stress reactions. Remember that your life has changed too, and it may be helpful just to talk with someone about these changes.

In closing, I’d like to leave you all with a few thoughts:

• It is 100 percent possible for you and your service member to be happy and healthy.
• It is a sign of maturity for you, or your service member, to admit needing assistance and take action.

On behalf of ReachOut.com, I would like to extend my thanks to all veterans for their service and sacrifice.

Source: Department of Veterans Affairs

Don’t Be Afraid to Be Afraid

by RO_Admin Family, Mental Health

Today's guest post is from ReachOut Council member Zach. Given that Halloween is right around the corner, fear seemed like an appropriate emotion to address on ReachOut.  Zach is also managing the ReachOut Tumblr.

Before we begin, let’s talk about what fear even is. Fear is a natural response by the brain to the presence of a perceived threat. The fact is that fear is the trigger for one of the most innate and important human reactions, the “fight or flight” response. So fear is in no way a bad thing in and of itself. The problem is that so many of us fail to see its benefits.

For most people, myself included, our first reaction to fear is to decide that whatever is causing that fear is not worth pursuing. We see fear as a signal that the thing that is ahead of us is dangerous, and we should not desire it. But consider this: it has been proven that people who actively face their fears on average live happier lives than everyone else. So those who allow themselves to desire the very thing they are afraid of are happy. Seems pretty simple to me. But most of the population does not live this way. Why is that?

Because facing your fears is hard.

In fact just the thought of facing your fears is terrifying. At least it is for me. That’s the crazy thing about fear, it prevents us from acting just through its existence. But that’s what makes it so satisfying when you take a chance. You defeat two fears through one action! Every time I’ve taken a risk and done something I was afraid to do I was glad I did*.  It didn’t always turn out the way I wanted it to, but I was always glad I did it. In fact, the best times of my life have been the results of actions I took in defiance of my fears. So really, doesn’t this emotion tell us that what we desire is worthwhile? It is not a bad thing to be afraid, how else do we know that we are on the precipice of something great?

This was not a lesson that I learned easily. I have never been very close with my parents, emotionally. I know that I love them, and I’ve always known that they will be there for me, but until a few years ago I never, EVER, talked to them about my feelings. I was terrified of letting them know anything, and to this day I have no idea why. It was an irrational fear, one which was based on no prior experiences. And for 15 years, it didn’t pose much of a problem. There were the occasional fights that went unresolved, but really nothing negative came of it. But one day I just started to feel sad, for no real reason. And before I knew it, I felt like I was drowning. I knew that I needed to get into therapy and start taking anti-depressants, but in order to do that I would have to let my parents know that I was depressed. I would have to talk to them about my feelings, and to me that was the scariest thought in the world. I started to call in sick to work because I couldn’t force myself to get out of bed.

Finally, I called in sick so much that they had no choice but to let me go. This was my wake up call. After that happened I realized that if I was to make any positive changes in my life, I had to face my fear and talk to my parents. Honestly it’s one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do, and I wasn’t able to do it instantly. I talked myself up, I talked to my friends about it, I read every article I could get my hands on in order to get the courage to get the help I needed. But let me tell you, when I finally did it, I immediately felt a weight lift from my shoulders. It was incredible. And afterwards, I really didn’t understand what I was so afraid of. My parents were understanding and got me help as soon as they could. I realized I really had no reason to fear it in the first place. I think that’s the case with most fears. Once we face them we realize how silly they really are. And you know what? Ever since I talked about my feelings with my parents that first time, it’s been easier every single time.

October is always filled with frightening images and stories and haunted houses. It is the month of spooky movies and scary stories. So here is my challenge to all of you: face at least one of your greatest fears this month. Don’t let it control you anymore, take control of it. Because no matter how it turns out, you will know that you own your life. And trust me, once you do it for the first time, all the other times become much easier! And when you’re done, don’t forget to submit your story to ReachOut!

*Let me take a moment to clarify this: take healthy risks. Don’t take risks that endanger your well-being, or that of anyone you know. Not sure what I mean? Not sure what is a healthy risk and what isn’t? Check out this fact sheet on risk taking.

What are you most of afraid of and what has helped you to conquer your fears?

Photo by Zoe

Gratitude: A Season of Sadness Becomes a Season of Joy

by Meredith Family, Health, Moods

This week, a friend of mine asked me to join her on a trip to visit her family in Scottsbluff, a small town in Nebraska.  Her father, diagnosed with leukemia a year and a half ago, has taken an unexpected turn.  Not knowing her father or the family, I prepared myself for the somber atmosphere one normally associates with illness and loss.  If there is ever a time in life when sadness is a justified emotion, this would be it, I thought.  But what I met with instead was the stuff of life.

Hugs are generously offered and held firm, long-lasting.  Laughter fills the kitchen as sister and brother gathered around their father, sharing stories and telling jokes, his face radiating with the joy of their presence.  Pictures are shared and stories are told, reflecting on a life well-lived and dramatically changed by his faith.  Now he is the pastor of his local church, which will open their renovated sanctuary next week.  His life has a history of brokenness, which began to turn around age 40.   It was after this time that he sought reconciliation with his estranged family, the same family who gathers around him today.  For this man and his family, gratitude is not a decision or attitude; it is the reality in which he lives.

I am now affectionately called Cheryl #2, the second honorary adoption into the cohesive clan, their dad asking me each afternoon, “Cheryl, do you feel loved enough today?”  The answer is, “More than enough.”  In the shadow of the Scottsbluff monument, miles away from the distractions of city life, family and friends gather to show honor, but to also say a collective ‘thank you’ for the awesome work of restoration that has been done, in their lives and the life of their father.

We can all be grateful for the good things in life, a new cell phone, good grades, or fun times with friends.  When everything is going our way, gratitude is easy.  But when life is rough, uncomfortable or just not what we want it to be, it takes a little work and a hopeful heart to find those things worth paying attention to.  But it is worth the effort.

Image by Welfl

What things in your life are you grateful for?  How can/do you find hope, even when times are tough?

Guest Post: Home for the Holidays

by Meredith Family

Today we have another guest post from our editorial intern Cheryl Slayton. Don’t miss Cheryl’s bio at the end of the post!

This Thursday, thousands of families will gather around the table, break bread together and give thanks for the gifts in their lives.  If you’re anything like me, while you are at that table, you will ask yourself  “Who are these people, and where did they come from?” My family dynamic runs closer to that of the Osbournes than the Seavers from the 90s TV series “Growing Pains.”   Truth be told, for many the holidays create just as much anxiety and stress as the joy and celebration they are intended to bring.  However, embracing the dysfunction will set you on the right path to holiday bliss.  Here’s how it’s done.

1. Accept your family members for who they are.

The more reasonable your expectations, the easier it is to avoid disappointment.  Remember the old adage “Prepare for the worst, plan for the best”?  Knowing who to expect will give you time to psyche yourself up and keep you from getting distracted by your emotions.  Start early by finding out who’s coming to dinner.  If you know you’ll see your crazy aunt, who always asks you inappropriate questions, or your super-sensitive sister, who cries at the drop of a hat, you can begin now preparing for your response.  A little humor can usually deflect a heated situation, and they may be so surprised by your response that they change the subject on their own.

2. Avoid hot-button issues.

Every family has a topic they can’t discuss without each side squirming or getting defensive.  Whether it’s politics, religion or which sports team rules, some topics can cause more division than unity and create negative tension.  When this moment arises, it may be tempting to stake your claim, but before you do, ask yourself: “Would I rather be right, or relaxed?”  It may seem like your opinion is 100% correct, and you may be right, but before you speak up, consider what you’re giving up to prove your point.  Instead, find a neutral topic to discuss, like your favorite childhood memory or how delicious dinner was.

3. Set aside some me-time.

If you start to feel the stress mounting, take a minute, breathe and politely excuse yourself.  Do something you enjoy to take your mind off the situation. Take a walk.  Meditate.  Pray.  Read a book.  Reconnect with a friend on Facebook. If all else fails, pretend to be taking a nap.  Making every effort to be at peace with yourself and others makes it that much easier to appreciate the true meaning of the holiday, giving thanks.

Cheryl Slayton was born in Orlando, Florida, and holds a Bachelor’s degree in English Literature from The University of North Texas.  She was a high school English teacher in Texas before making her way west, to her new home of San Francisco.  Cheryl now spends her time freelance writing for newspapers and magazines and serving as an editorial intern at ReachOut.com.  She values excellence in all things and appreciates people who challenge her to see the world through a new point of view.  In her spare time, Cheryl expresses her creativity through writing fiction and various forms of dance.

Top image by Amanda SG